I Hope Those Mayan Effers were Right, Because I'm Sick of Life

So yeah, today was a bad day. I don’t know if it was the dreary, rainy cool weather after the past week of warm, sunshiny days or what. But all I know is that even though the work day was pretty successful, by the end of the day, I felt utterly lousy about pretty much everything.

And thus happened the following emotional outburst on Facebook:

I hate life. I hate women. I hate God for making me the hopeless romantic pussy that I am. Just fucking kill me now. I hope those Mayan fuckers were right, because I’m sick of life.

As usual, no one (but one) commented on it. I don’t think anyone really pays attention to anything I do anymore on there. Which I guess is a good thing, especially when I have stupid emotional outbursts like that. But, as I said, one person did comment, a female friend of mine, and the back-and-forth follows:

Female friend: Reverse that for me… thank you very much!

Well, at least you had the chance to get married and have a family.

Female friend: Well, you won’t even answer the phone when I call you…even if it is just talk..

There’s nothing to talk about. Life is what it is.

Female friend: Just to talk? I’m not trying to flirt with you. Maybe commiserate with you.

My point is, talking doesn’t change anything. I tell my friends here the same thing when they wonder why I never answer my phone. As far as my situation goes, there’s something about me that girls just don’t like. And there’s nothing I can do about it. So I don’t dwell on it and just bury myself in work, working out and softball. But some days, like today, everything I’ve been suppressing just comes boiling up to the surface and I feel like crap and need to vent. Thus the status.

Female friend: Believe it or not, I can relate.

Sorry that you can relate, because this feeling sucks and I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through it.

But, again, at least you have been married and have kids. So you’ve at least had a time period in your life where you knew someone liked you and loved you for you. And liked you so much that they asked to go out with you and loved you so much that they asked you to marry them. I can’t even imagine what that feeling is like… to know someone sees me, the real me, the man inside, the person inside and respects me and is impressed by me and is inspired by me and appreciates all I can give to her as a friend and companion and lover. I haven’t been able to experience any of that.

The last time I had anything close was 9 years ago when I first started dating my last long-term girlfriend. Prior to that, I had dated a few girls long-term, but I had not yet become the man that I am today. So those relationships, while nice, aren’t really a validation to me that a girl would like and love and appreciate the man that I am inside.

First long-term relationship was young and immature love (we were 19-20-21-22 during our dating). Second long-term relationship was because I had gotten in great shape and had a great body and she was coming off an abusive relationship, so the fact that I was a romantic gentleman was attractive to her. But that didn’t last, because she kindof lied about herself in order to hide things about herself she knew I wouldn’t like. Third long-term relationship was a summer fling where, again, I was hot and she admitted she just wanted to have fun and have sex. And then there was the last one I mentioned earlier.

In between then and now, I’ve either dated or talked to girls online where it’s turned out they reject me either because of my looks; or they’ve used me to stroke their egos, because they have lousy boyfriends or husbands while flirting with me, but have no intention of either dating me or dating a guy like me; or what really messed me up was when a girl I talked to online seemed to appreciate everything about me, as a man as a person, and then it turned out that she had lied to me about pretty much everything about her background and turned out she was telling other guys — even those who were the exact opposite from me in personality and values and morals — the exact same compliments she was telling me. That destroyed me when I found out. And I’ve never gotten over that. It’s been 7 years since that happened and it still seems like yesterday.

Now, every time I see a girl to whom I’m attracted, for about 30 seconds I’ll think ‘what if…” and then I’ll snap out it and remember “you’re a fatass loser nice guy romantic gentleman that no girl today is interested in, stop wondering”. It sucks.

And again, there’s nothing that anyone can say to make any of that go away or get better or change. I just want to laugh when some of my friends try to give me pep talks about the whole situation, as if what they think of me as a person will make women see me the same way. Doesn’t work that way.

Plus, none of them know me well enough to know what I truly want in a relationship with a woman. I’m not some guy who wants a fling or a fuck-buddy or a friends-with-benefits or any kind of superficial relationship. I want it all: friendship, dating, fun, romance, love and, if things work out, eventually marriage and family. But I’m not looking for something superficial and not looking to get laid. I don’t want sex with just anyone, I want sex with a lover. And you can’t be a lover with someone unless you already have developed a loving emotional bond.

But some of my friends just don’t get that and they’re always telling me about where to pick up girls where I can ‘hook up’ with them, etc. I don’t want that. Plus, most of my friends are either married or in long-term relationships. So I just want to look at them and say “STOP. Look, you haven’t been in the dating pool for 3+ years. You’ve been with the same woman who adores you for 3+ years. So what the bloody hell do you even know about what women want today? Nothing, that’s what.” But, I can’t say that, because I know my friends mean well, because they care about me and want to see me happy.

But the truth is that there’s nothing they can do. Women today — and really, women have been like this for years — just aren’t interested in men like me. Or, worse yet, maybe women today just don’t like *ME*. Maybe there is just something so utterly repulsive about my personality that girls run away screaming. And that’s utterly depressing to me, because there are gays and guys in jail and asshole douchebags who get more attention from girls than I do. So to think that I’m a worse person and less attractive to women than any of them… utterly depressing and demoralizing.