AmeriCAN-DO Attitude

I saw her looking for something in the health foods & medicine section of the grocery store. I was walking by slowly, purposely scouting the area trying to remember if I had gotten everything in my cart that I had come to the grocery store to buy. Ahah! I remembered something that I needed in the health foods area. This took me to the aisle in which she was studying the shelves - for what, I don’t know. I politely excused myself as I had to walk in front of her, picked up my item, and then excused myself once more as I had to walk in front of her to get back to my cart.

I behaved as I usually do when I find myself in public in the general vicinity of a woman I find very attractive: I made sure not to make eye contact and try my best to catch a glimpse of her, without looking like I was trying to catch a glimpse of her… or at the very least, without allowing her to see me trying to catch a glimpse of her. During this whole few second moment of my shopping experience, I could almost see myself from an outsider’s perspective and I yelled at myself in my head to stop acting like an idiot and just move on to the register to pay.

Still, I turned my head as I walked to catch one last glimpse of her, this woman with her girl-next-door-look, long brown hair tied back in a pony tail, completely unassuming, but just something about her that made me look more than twice. And again, I tried my best to make sure I looked like I was straining to figure out if I had forgotten something from my mental list of items that I should have written down, while looking in her general area at the shelves, and then directly at her before turning my head to pay attention to where I was going.

Just something about her, I thought. I don’t know what, but really, it doesn’t matter, you idiot. She’d never be interested in you. Plus, what on earth would you even say to her. “Uuuuh, hi, I think you’re cute and there’s something about you that made me do a double-take. How are you today?” Yeah, I’m sure the store security would be on me within seconds after that smooth-talking introduction.

Anyway, so after all that has passed through my mind, I actually do remember a couple things that I forgot and then go back to pick them up. Then saunter my way to the check-out with the shortest line. I’m standing there just waiting my turn, noticing the ridiculous magazine covers for the ’beauty’ magazines and tabloids and making sure I don’t get too close to the person’s daughters who are being a bit rambunxious in front of me while waiting for the lady to finish scanning what their mother had bought. I move back a few inches to give them some room to roam around then do my usual waiting-in-line routine of scanning the people in line, scanning the people walking around the store, scanning the magazine racks and then rinse and repeat.

Then I feel that someone has taken their spot in line behind me. I turn around out of courtesy to make sure I am not too far back into them, as I was not aware of them until now and didn’t think I needed to worry too much about anything behind me, when I notice… it’s her. My gosh, miss girl-next-door with the long hair in the cute pony tail who reminds me of someone… or something… or some time in my life… is standing behind me. I do my best to keep cool and calm, since she obviously has no idea this is all going through my mind and it would no doubt freak her out if I all of a sudden start acting like some grade school dweeb who keeps turning around in class peeking over his shoulder and giving a goofy smile to the cute girl behind him. Oh wait, that’s right, I did that. And I remember that didn’t make a good impression then, I am positive it won’t make a good impression now. So I go back to my people, rack (magazines, not boobs), rinse and repeat routine.

During one of my magazine rack rotations, she comes into my view again. She picks up one of the magazines on the bottom shelf and then takes it back with her to her cart to read while waiting. I don’t catch which one it is, since as soon as she came into view, I did my best to look somewhere else for fear of all that was on my mind about her would somehow transfer to her subconscious, just from my gaze meeting hers. But I do note that there is an Easter edition of some magazine with a religious theme in the general area of where she grabbed the magazine. Hmmm, I wonder if she took that one. Says a lot, considering probably 99% of the other women I see in here are usually grabbing for the tabloids or the so-called beauty mags. This got my brain working even more overtime.

And then I had this really weird feeling come over me. For a short moment, couldn’t have been more than 1/2 a minute to a minute, I had this sense of confidence come over me. It was like a flashback to years ago when I was in great shape and had complete confidence in what I looked like, yet, unfortunately not complete confidence in whom I was as a person, at least with respect to the defintion society gave to a good, ’cool’ man. Yet it was a slight confidence nontheless. Something I had not felt around an attractive woman in a long time. Most of the time - which is to say, all the time - I would simply go through my she’s-way-out-of-your-league-she’d-never-be-interested-in-you-so-stop-thinking-about-it -youre-a-loser routine in my head:

But this time, that didn’t go through my mind. I felt different somehow. I felt like the confident man I am inside when I am not thinking about how out of shape I have gotten over the last year. I felt like the confident man I am when I believe my delusions that women are interested in character and morals and principles in a man. I felt like… ahh… then it hit me… she reminds me of Amy. Or, at least, how I imagine Amy to be. I had just gone, in my mind, back to a time in my life when I was talking to Amy online and on the phone years ago - yet never met or seen her picture. Somehow, my mind associated everything with that time period, including how I felt in public, since I was in the greatest shape of my life back then and never felt insecure in public - at least with regards to my looks. And all the feelings and emotions of that ’relationship/friendship’ came roaring back within me within moments. Until I forced them back down deep again. She’s not Amy, you idiot. So stop acting like you might be standing next to a girl for whom you held a huge, silly online crush. Just load your items on the conveyor and pay and leave so she can do the same.

So, I did. Doing my best to not look up at the cute girl who reminded me of Amy standing right behind my cart skimming her magazine. Sure, I could catch her out of the corner of my eye when I looked at my cart to grab the items. I do have peripheral vision afterall. But no direct looks. Who knows what my eyes and face would give away were I to look at her while thinking of Amy and having all those goofy feelings, emotions and memories welling up inside me. Best not to even put either of us in that situation. So back to finishing with the items, making polite small talk with the POS operator and bagger lady and then wishing them a good day.

I then walk away out the door hoping I gave nothing of my inner thoughts away with my behavior, and yet also hoping I didn’t come across as a cold jackass who looked like he was going out of his way to not pay attention to the miss cute girl-next-door with the long brown hair in the pony tail… who brought back thoughts of Amy…

And it didn’t hit me until I was done loading the groceries into my car and then returning the cart, that she was right behind me in line and I could have seen her walk out the store and caught one last glimpse of her. But, alas, as I scoured the parking lot for her long brown pony tail, she was no where in sight. Probably for the best anyway. In case she did notice my lousy efforts to catch glimpses of her in the store, she would definitely feel weird catching me trying to look at her in the parking lot. I’d rather walk away with her thinking nothing of me rather than her thinking of me as some lunatic stalker.

But on the way home, I was just lost in thought about all of this. Here was my past coming back to affect me with some woman I’ve never met nor ever seen before. I haven’t talked to Amy in years on the phone and not in over a year on e-mail or IM, yet here she is still affecting me in my every day life. Well, not her specifically, but the memory of her.

***** *****
I also was thrown for a loop by how I felt, albeit momentarily, when standing in line in front of this woman. I know how certain smells and songs can take us back to times in our life. I know there are certain smells that remind me of little league baseball as a kid - which end up making me feel the nervousness I felt when riding to the games. I know there are certain smells that remind me of women I have dated. Certain perfumes or skin lotions send chills down my back sometimes and make me mushy in the stomach, because they take me back to certain relationships with past girlfriends. And, of course, certain songs take me back to many different times in my life and affect me in different ways.

But this was the first time that I was affected in this manner. I wasn’t taken back anywhere. There was no sweet smell to remind me of anyone. It was almost like my body and mind and subconscious were reacting in a way they felt I would react were I in Amy’s presence: calm, confident and innocently attracted to this woman. Yet, it obviously was not her. And it didn’t last. My she’d-never-be-interested-in-you mechanism kicked in after a delay. But, at least for a moment, it happened. I was a different person… or at least, I felt like a different person. A new man. A better man. A confident man. All because of the memory of someone I have never met and being in the presence of a woman I didn’t know.

Strange feeling.

***** *****
Then I got to thinking about all that went on with Amy. I really had it bad for her. I know now that it is impossible to fall in love with someone one only knows online and on the phone… really it is only possible to fall in love with the idea you create of whom is the person you’re talking with. You can’t really know someone without actually spending time with them, because you never know if what they are telling you is the complete truth. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of women lie to me about themselves online. Which is why I now trust no one. But, back then, I had not been burned at all and my image of Amy and who she was inside was just wonderful. Her intelligence, her personality, her vulnerability, yet strength, independence and sharp wit and, most importantly, the way she would never back down to me on anything when we debated anything. She challenged me. And I challenged her. Yet at no time did I feel we were belittling each other or disrespecting one another. It was always a respectful debate of ideas and thoughts on topics. And then of course when I would have her beaten on a topic, she would flatter me with saying I was cute when I was upset and flustered. I’d go from completely aggravated to completely jello in her hands.

She seemed to be everything I had wanted in a woman. Well, save for not ever having met her or known what she looked like or spent any time with her, and only creating a vision of whom she was based on what she shared with me… yeah, other than that, she was “perfect”!

That’s what was probably roaming around in my subconscious while standing in line and seeing miss cute girl-next-door. Of course, upon further reflection of all of this, all the facts came back and the romanticizing of the situation went out the window. I started to remember little things that I so admired about Amy, yet made me feel so ashamed of mistakes that I had made in my past, that probably doomed any future I could ever have with a woman like Amy.

You see, she was a virgin and intended to stay that way until she was married. She also had standards like everyone else, but one of them was like a stake to my heart were I vampire: she wanted to marry a virgin. Since I was not a virgin, this meant that no matter how much we got along, how much she may say she ’loves’ me and reciprocates the feelings I have for her, there is nothing I can do to measure up to the man she wants to be with.

At that point, I would be forever ashamed of my past… and myself. And at that point I knew that no matter what my intentions and what my principles and what my morals I had started out with young in life, I had proven to be a weak person and had ruined my future.

And for that, I couldn’t forgive myself. And, after this afternoon’s experience at the grocery store, I realize that I still cannot forgive myself.

I grew up telling myself that I would not have sex until I was married. And I was not ashamed of that position at all. And I wanted to find someone who shared that view. But, not once, but five times I gave in to weakness. (Yes, I actually just went back and counted how many women I have been with in my life. Pretty depressing to remember how many times I have failed.) Each and every time, with each and every woman I resisted temptation. But only at first. When the true test came, after first saying no, I gave in to temptation. I proved myself weak. And no matter what I do now and what I say now or what I have done recently or what I do in the future, nothing will change the weakness of my past.

And that weakness still defines whom I am now. And no matter what I do or say, I cannot change that.

There is no born-again status when it comes to this weakness, especially when I am looking for a woman with certain standards for a man. It doesn’t matter that I have not only held my current standard, but also lived up to it for the past 5+ years, including within a 3 year relationship. If I met a woman tomorrow who wanted a man with morals and principles and who had proven his strength in those morals and principles his entire life, I wouldn’t be that man. 5 different times in the past I have proven my weakness and have proven that I am unfit for this woman. 5 different instances in my life where I just had to be strong so as to be the man she wants and deserves and does not have to ’settle’ for. 5 instances of my life that ruined the future that I wanted. 5 times I allowed myself to be weak, for instant momentary pleasure. 5 instances where my character was tested… and I failed. 5 experiences I can never take back…. and I can never forgive.

And this is why I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool. I can’t forgive myself. All my young life, I have wanted to be the man that my girlfriend and wife deserved. I wanted to be the man she wanted, she desired, of whom she was so proud that she would never speak ill about me… the man she did not have to settle for… in any way: intellectually, financially, emotionally, spiritually or physically.

And I blew that. I can’t claim to be the man she wants and deserves, when I have not been that man my entire life.

Sure, ’we all make mistakes’, some say. But my mistakes continue to haunt me.

I can’t forget them. Or forgive them.

There are many women who are attractive.
There are many women who have beautiful bodies.
There are many women who have beautiful eyes.
There are many women who have beautiful lips.
But I do not want those women.
I want you.
And there is a reason.

Some will say the reason must be your beautiful body.
And that may be true.
But your beautiful body is so much more… to me…
When I see your beauty,
I see your hard work and dedication to take care of yourself.
I see your self respect.
I see your pride and dignity.
I see your class and integrity.

When I come up behind you and gently place my hands on your hips
I feel your warm soft skin.
The warmth of your heart.
The softness of your demeanor.
The warmth of your love.
The softness of your compassion.
The warmth of your passion.

This is what I see and feel in your beautiful body.

Some will say the reason must be your beautiful eyes.
And that may be true.
But your eyes are so much more… to me…
When I look inside I see your strength.
When I look inside I see your independence.
When I look inside I see your determination.
When I look inside I see your desire.
When I look inside I see your pain.
When I look inside I see your weakness.
When I look inside I see your innocence.
When I look inside I see your trust.
When I look inside I see your romance.
When I look inside I see your passion.
For Life
For Love
For Me

This is what I see when I look into your beautiful eyes.

Some will say the reason must be your beautiful lips.
And that may be true.
But your lips are so much more… to me…
Your lips are those which speak your mind
Your lips are those which speak your goals
Your lips are those which speak your dreams
Your lips are those which sternly ridicule the wicked,
and calmly praise the innocent.
Your lips are those which confidently address the crowd,
and shyly address your love.
Your lips are those which strongly debate me,
and passionately give in to my temptation.
Your lips are those which tempt and tease and flirt.
Your lips are those which express to me your desire, your happiness, your frustration and your hurt.

This is what I feel when I kiss your beautiful lips.

So while other women may have beautiful bodies and eyes and lips,
they lack everything which makes you, my companion true.

The simple fact is

The reason I want you is…

YOU

~~~by Michael J. Yore - February 20, 2007~~~

I hate you.

No.

I hate myself.

I hate that I wasted my time on you.
I hate that I wasted my friendship on you.
I hate that I wasted my caring on you.
I hate that I wasted my worry on you.
I hate that I wasted my love on you.
I hate that I wasted my heart on you.
I hate that I wasted my tears on you.

I hate that I let you lead me on…
over and over and over again.

I hate that I fell for your lies…
over and over and over again.

I hate that I wrote poems for you.

“TODAY”

I hate that I thought my poems meant something to you.

“PLEASE TRUST ME, THIS LOVE IS WORTH OUR LOVE”

I hate that I honestly believed what I wrote in my poems for you.

I hate that I let myself go with you.
I hate that I let myself believe in you.
I hate that I tried with you.
I hate that I honestly believed I made a difference in your life.

I hate that I let my heart break over you.

I hate the feeling that you don’t care one bit about how I feel.
I hate the feeling that you’re proud of how long you duped me.

I hate the feeling that you are enjoying that I am in so much pain.

I hate the feeling that I never want to open myself up to anyone
ever again.

I hate the feeling of hating this much

I hate you for making me feel this way.

No.

I hate me
for letting you in
my life
my head
my heart

And I hate myself for hating you.

~~~by Michael J. Yore - February 12, 2007~~~

I first saw you in my doorway. The door already open to allow friends to stop in whenever they wanted, but, in my wildest dreams, I had not expected to see you standing there. Beautiful smile, lips closed, innocent, but tempting me at the same time. You were just leaning there. Gazing at me as I was running around the room organizing. But the sight of you stopped me in my tracks. My heart jumped. My demeanor calmed. Nervous yet completely at ease at the same time. Our eyes met and I couldn’t look away. I smiled back at you. Shy, but confident. In that moment, it seemed time stood still just for us.

Back to organizing later. The party is planned and he says you will be there. I’m nervous. I need to make a good impression. He tells me you said I already had. What!? What did she tell you? What did she say about me? I implore him like a little school boy finding out my crush returns my crush. He dodges and avoids, laughs and won’t give in. And while I try to wrestle it out of him, there you appear again. That smile. Those eyes. Again in my doorway. That look. It calms my soul yet stirs my passions. Your smile, just for me. My smile, just for you. Our eyes are locked, everything else fades away and it is just you that I see. Looking at me. A moment, with feelings I can’t comprehend.

You are now laying beside me. I can just see your face. Laying close to mine. Again, that smile. That calming yet passionate gaze from your eyes. A look just meant for me. I can’t believe I am here with you. Finally alone. So close. So peaceful. Everything else melts away. You start to say something, but stop. What were you going to say? Oh nothing you coo. No, come on now, you’re never one to be at a loss for words. What’s on your mind? And your lips half whisper, half gently say

I’m wondering how I tell someone I have only met 8 times that I love him.

Your eyes never look away. My heart and stomach flutter and a rush of emotion I have never felt before flows through me. I can’t speak. I am overcome. All I can do is smile. My smile for you. I take my hand and flow my fingers through your hair. Gently brush it back out of your face. Slowly caressing my fingers down your cheek. Your soft skin. Your beautiful smile. Those powerful yet calming eyes.

You then take my hand and slowly turn on your side away from me. You place it on your shoulder as you cuddle yourself into my chest and rest your head in front of mine on the pillow. Your fingers intertwine with mine, wrapping my arm around you and then bring our hands to rest on your chest, feeling the beating of your heart.

And then….

I wake up holding my pillow, with the powerful emotions still running through my body, my hands grasping for you, my body aching to feel you next to me.

Sigh.

Who are you. Are you real. I saw you so clearly. Your eyes. Your smile. I felt your passion. I sensed your emotions. And your smile told me you felt and sensed mine. We were together. Innocent. In the moment. Peaceful. Holding hands. Cuddling. Nothing else mattered. Just us. Holding me close to you. Holding you close to me.

Are you only in my dreams?

~~~ by Michael J. Yore — 07 JAN 2007 ~~~

I am angry.

I am enraged.

I am frustrated.

I am lonely.

I am depressed.

I am holding back.

I am fading.

I am losing hope.

I am losing motivation.

I am losing passion.

And I can feel the Devil overtaking me.

I am holding back with her. I am holding back with them. I am holding back at work. I am holding back with my friends. I am holding back within myself.

No matter how much I give, I don’t receive. No matter how much I love, I don’t receive love. No matter how much I care, I don’t receive care. No matter how much I sacrifice, I don’t receive sacrifice.

I give all of myself, but it is never enough.

I have given my heart. I have given my love. I have given my passion. I have given myself.

I have emptied my soul and given it, and now He is filling up the void.

I can feel the Devil overtaking Me.

I can feel it happening inside. I can hear Him reveling in my misery.

Every weakness He exploits. Every failing He reinforces.

Every sadness He makes worse. Every frustration He makes stronger.

Every moment of anger He feeds upon. Every moment of rage He encourages me to continue.

Every loss of hope He smiles. Every loss of motivation He cheers.

Every loss of passion He replaces with apathy. Every loss of love He replaces with hate.

I struggle to fight Him. I know He is working inside me.

I can feel the Devil overtaking me.

I do not want to give in to Him. I know that is His goal. It goes against everything inside of me to allow Him that victory.

But I am failing in my struggle.

I can feel myself weakening.

Passion not returned. Love that goes unrequited. Caring not fulfilled.

I struggle to find something to hold onto. Something on which to stand. Something to right myself. To brace myself.

While I struggle to recover He works against me. Roadblocks at every turn. Disappointments at every turn.

And I can feel the Devil overtaking me.

Giving up seems like the easy thing to do. With no expectations, no hopes, no dreams, then there are no letdowns.

If I do not expect things to happen, I will not despair when they do not happen.

If I do not hope, I will not be saddened when my hopes are not fulfilled.

If I do not dream, I will not be depressed when my dreams to not come true.

But what is a life without expectations? What is a life without hope? What is a life without dreams?

How will I fill my life without them? How will I go on without passion?

I won’t. And that is what He wants.

He wants me to give up.

And that is why I can feel the Devil overtaking me.

But something inside of me still works against Him. Something will not allow me to give up. Something will not allow me to fail. Something will not allow me to stop trying.

Without it I would be done. Without it I would be at His mercy. Without it He would overtake me.

Without my Faith, the Devil would overtake me.

With my Faith, I survive to fight another day.

~~~by Michael J. Yore — 06 OCT 2006~~~