AmeriCAN-DO Attitude

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Something Inside a Man Dies…

“When great love is rejected, [], something inside a man dies.

And he has no choice, but to run away.

And eventually find the one he can love second most.”

Okay, so the above quote is from a stupid movie, but it does have some truth to it. In the movie, the man bears his heart to the woman of his dreams and she rejects him to go off with another man. The first man is obviously crushed. His entire life (or at least the part of it he was aware of his feelings for his love), he had waited to express his love to the woman of his dreams, and, when he was finally able to do it, she rejected him. I know from experience that this feels like a swift kick in the stomach, after which you feel like you cannot breathe and that your heart is being stuck by one long sword and turned around inside. Not a good feeling, to say the least . . .

I still remember the first time I had this feeling, when my college girlfriend dumped me the weekend before Finals Week and 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas. That was sure a lot of fun. I ended up failing all my finals that week, including 2 very big ones in my most important engineering classes (Advanced Physics and Thermodynamics 2) on the last day. After which, I immediately left to go see her (2 hour drive away) to see if we could patch things up. Turned out that it would be the last time that I would see her. That Christmas/Holiday break, I ended up doing two things . . . wallowing in self pity and planning my escape route to “run away”. Things actually ended up working out pretty well as I left that Friday for an interview for a 6-month internship at TWA in Kansas City, MO and got the job. I was then able to “run away” to Kansas City, get away from school, family, friends, everything that reminded me of all the pain that I had been going through and I turned my entire life around. It was great.

I’m not sure if anything inside me died at all. Considering Jen and I didn’t have “great love”, but rather she was my “first love”. That in and of itself makes it A great love, but not “the” great love of a lifetime. So I think in that case, part of me “died” while I was recovering from the pain of the loss of that love, but I think the building up process that I went through actually “brought me back to life again” as I re-discovered myself and what I wanted in life.

Unfortunately, I think I am now experiencing something inside myself dying from having lost my most recent “love” . . . or at least what I thought was “the” great Love. The reason I think it is happening (or has already happened) is because while I am experiencing some things that in the past have caused me extreme pain and suffering and caused me to cry endlessly in the efforts to release all that pain, now I feel . . . nothing. Sure there is a little hurt, but not like before. What it feels like now is a reworking of the inside of me…

Before it felt like my entire body was falling apart and I couldn’t keep it together. It felt as if were I to stop trying to breathe or stop trying to walk and talk or were I to release the tension in my body, that I would just completely fall to the ground in shambles like an action figure which loses its joints and falls apart and scatters all over the ground. My body felt weak and loose, yet tight and intense at the same time. I was shaking, my heart was beating as if it were trying to bust out of my body and then spontaneously combust, and my stomach was in knots. Maybe that was me dying inside. Maybe those were the last gasps of air for the hope in my heart. Maybe . . . I don’t know . . .

All I know is that things are different now that I am going through this yet again, and yet again right around Christmas. (Boy I know how to “torture” myself, geez.) But something is different. While there is a tightening in my chest from the pain I am feeling, and a rumbling in my stomach and a slight shakiness in my body and voice, my emotions are being held in check. I don’t feel the need to cry. I don’t feel the need to lash out at the world or at her or at him. I can’t say that I am at peace inside . . . far from it. I can feel the turmoil going on in there and there’s sure a lot of it! However, maybe this is how it feels to have that part of me die inside. Maybe this is how it feels now to have something painful happen, yet not get too emotional about it or feel anything more than a little inner uneasiness. Have I crossed over into the realm of the emotionless? Have I successfully killed my inner passion, my inner desire, my inner hope for that “one great Love”?

I knew when I first let myself go with her that if this turned out badly, it was going to hurt like hell. I knew it. I told myself so many times that I needed to be careful and protect my heart and that things were too good to be true. But of course, my inner hope told me that to have great Love, one had to take great risks. Well, I risked it all and here is where I am left . . . something inside this man … inside of me … has died.

And I’m really not quite sure I want to bring that part of me back again. I took my chance on “great Love” and failed. It’s now time to “run away” … though I don’t think I will look for someone to love second most. That’s not fair to her or to me. Especially since my “great Love” has already been spent, and I can’t bear to experience another “return to sender”.

December 27, 2005 , 11:38AM - Posted by | Life, Love, Relationships, Romance

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