It’s Like I Have a Scar on My Heart…
From a conversation with a friend I had a while back:
“I have found that I have lost hope. I have tried to become involved seriously with someone and I just can not get myself to let down my walls. I have searched inside myself for the strength to do it, but I can’t.”
I can relate to you here. I believe that I have lost hope as well. But I don’t believe that you cannot get yourself to let down your walls or that you do not have the strength inside of you. I believe you are like me and you just don’t want to. I know that I have the strength inside of me to love someone on a deep emotional and intellectual level. In fact, I truly yearn for that kind of relationship. But, I sit back and think of all the times I have opened myself up to someone only to have them lie to me or betray me in some way and I just don’t want to go through that pain again. Every time I feel that maybe, just maybe I will try to open myself up again, I have a quick flashback in my mind of all the pain I have gone through and I immediately tell myself that no… No, I will not open up, I will not keep my hope alive and I will not try again, because I don’t want to bear that pain again.
Can I bear it again? Sure. Because I know I told myself a few years ago that I wasn’t going to open up again and, sure enough, I did. And sure enough, I got hurt again. But it’s just in my nature to want to have that deep emotional and intellectual relationship with someone that I kept going back and opening myself up again when someone came along who seemed worthy of opening up to. But after the last time I was hurt, something stuck with me and I just am allowing it to keep me down now. It’s like I have a scar on my heart similar to Harry Potter’s scar on his forehead which burns everytime Voldemort is near. Only for me, the scar on my heart burns everytime I think about opening up to a woman on a romantic level again. But while Harry overcomes the pain from his scar, I don’t muster up the courage to overcome the pain from mine. I could, but I choose not to. From what you say, I believe you are choosing the same thing. So it’s not that you “can’t”. You don’t give yourself enough credit for the strength you have inside of you. You have the strength. I know you do. YOU know you do. But, like me, I believe you are just choosing not to use that strength, because you don’t want to go through the pain again.
“I tell myself “Maybe the reason I can’t break down the walls is because this guy is not the one.” … Then I just gave up and let God take the wheel. And I seriously believe that I will be single for the rest of my life. [ … ]”
I think that is what it is, really. With the right man, you won’t have to break down your walls, they will fall down on their own, because your heart will be so full that it will expand from everything you feel inside and it will knock down the walls you have put around it. But only the right guy and the right feelings of comfort and trust and feeling good about yourself when with him and knowing he cares for you for who you are and not who you feel you have to be… And he will inspire you to be a better woman than you thought you could be, not because he forces you to, but because he inspires you to. And you will feel proud to be with him and proud that he is with you. And he’ll make you feel good about you being… You. So, I think you have it right. You just have not been with that man yet.
Like you, I believe I will be single the rest of my life and it really depresses me. Whenever that feeling comes over me and I realize that I’m never going to be with a woman again… In an emotional way, intellectual way or physical way (just holding her, holding her hand, going to sleep with her and waking up with her, walking down the street holding hands and talking with her, seeing that smile she has just for me that expresses to me just how much she loves me…) I have to work so hard to make that feeling go away, because it’s paralyzing. I mean it makes me feel like there’s no reason to do anything at all and everything I do is for nothing. That is why I bury myself in politics and military blogs and listening to music and keeping busy with rollerblading and softball and walleyball and thankfully have a fulfilling job that I enjoy that can keep my mind occupied. But, of course, there are times where the thoughts creep in and I can’t do anything to get rid of them and that is why I post videos and songs that are expressions of what I am feeling and sometimes write poetry. They are a release to get the feelings and emotions out so I can go on living.
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