Love Does Not Exist. Love is Just a Word.
Just some thoughts that I posted over at Chrissy’s blog. I will expand upon these thoughts later.
Since we are talking in pretty large generalities and stereotypes of men and women here, I will as well.
There is another general difference between men and women that could be the reason that men have a tough time getting over failed serious relationships. Women are quick to love and quick to hand over their heart to any schmuck who sweeps them off their feet and quick to “fall in love”, etc etc. Men, on the other hand, take quite a while before loving and “falling in love”. They are not superficial about giving their heart to any female out there who turns his head and catches his eye.
So, we could easily turn this around and say that women get over things easier, because their love is superficial, while men take a while to get over things, because their love was true and getting over lost true love takes quite a while.
Now, do I believe this? Maybe. Maybe not. Just throwing another perspective out there.
Posted by Michael in MI on December 5, 2007 – Wednesday at 11:42 AM
While I can certainly see you’re point, I have to make one of my own…
Love isn’t superficial, it’s unconditional. You take the good with the bad. – end of story.
I really wasn’t speaking in a generality. Men do have a more difficult time piecing their heart back together than women when love is involved. Like I said, there’s always a “mourning” period, but when that time frame goes into an excessive amount – you’ve got problems and need to work them out.
Now, as far as what you’re speaking of, that’s not nearly what I’m speaking about. Those girls (key word) don’t even know what love is, they just think they do. There’s a huge difference between people (women and men) who jump around from person to person… a few months here, and few months there… and those who were actually in a real relationship.
Posted by Chrissy on December 5, 2007 – Wednesday at 12:06 PM
“Love isn’t superficial, it’s unconditional. You take the good with the bad. – end of story.”
Okay, this is where we have the disconnect in how we are looking at this. Here’s the way I see it…
Love isn’t “unconditional”, Love is simply a word. And it’s a word that is interpreted in different ways by pretty much everyone. My definition of Love is probably different from yours. My younger brother’s definition of Love is different than mine. His definition of Love is probably different from our mother’s. And so forth and so on for pretty much everyone. For me, I think the key to a successful relationship is to find someone whose definition of love is the same as yours. Otherwise, the relationship will fail eventually.
Why? Because people project onto others their definition of Love. When a man tells a woman “I Love you”, she assumes that he means the same thing as when she tells him “I Love you”. She assumes that his definition of Love is the same as her own. And when she hears that longed-for “I Love you”, she starts to expect certain things of the man. I can’t tell you how many times that I heard women whine to me about their men “But he told me he looooooved meeeeeee, why isn’t he doing [X]?” The simple, but not sweet, answer is that his definition of Love is not the same as yours.
Going back to my generalization, a lot of women have such a low standard for what constitutes Love and being “in Love”, that they are quick to feel Love and think they are “in Love”. I can’t tell you how many times I have rolled my eyes when women tell me “Oh he loves me so much, because he did [X] for me. He’s just so sweet and loving.” Meanwhile, I am sitting there with a perplexed look on my face, because what she just described is something that I would think one would expect from simply a decent human being, let alone a decent boyfriend or husband. But, women interpret many small simple actions into men expressing “Love”. But again, this may just come from women having very low expectations of men with love and showing emotion. Which is unfortunate. Because then they will be sorely disappointed when men live down to those low expectations the women have set for them. And that’s what I used to tell them time and time again. “What do you expect, when you went bonkers over just some small, kind thing?”
“I really wasn’t speaking in a generality. Men do have a more difficult time piecing their heart back together than women when love is involved. Like I said, there’s always a “mourning” period, but when that time frame goes into an excessive amount – you’ve got problems and need to work them out.”
Well, that’s your opinion, based on your experience. But, to steal a line from 2 Weeks Notice after Sandra Bullock’s character accuses Hugh Grant’s character of being the most difficult person on the planet… “That’s ridiculous, have you met everyone on the planet?” Seriously. There are 300 million people in America alone. Just cutting that in half and saying there are 75 Million Men and 75 Million women from which to make a generalization, with how many of them do we really even come into contact in our adult lives to even make our generalizations? Anyone who says “all men are…” or “all women are…” are leaving out the key phrase which makes the statement accurate: “In my experience…” It’s like the polls they have out there where they base the opinion of the country on polling 1,000 people.
That said, in my experience, I have witnessed the opposite of you. I have met women who refuse to open up to me, because they have been hurt in the past. And I have talked to women who just will not break down their walls or change their stereotypes of men to allow themselves to have a relationship again. And most of those experiences have come with the “But he said he loooooooved meeeeeee” explanation of why they cannot trust anymore. Conversely, maybe it is the quality of male friend that I keep, but all of the male friends that I have had, have all been very open with their feelings. And going back to college and continuing through the friends I have made here in Michigan when I moved here after college, all my friends have been very mature in relationships and in talking about them and in discussing what we want in life, in love and in relationships. And yeah, that probably sounds like we are all a bunch of weenie, wussy guys, but, that’s just not the case. We have professional jobs (most of my friends are engineers (college friends and new friends here in MI) or doctors (college roommates) or professionals in some other industry (on owns his own business with his father)), we all plays sports (walleyball, softball, bowling, rollerblading, biking) and we all talk crudely about women now and then. Heheh Yeah, I guess someone can say that none of that gives us our ‘macho’ credentials, but… Oh well. My point is that we’re not atypical. Unless of course the groups of males that I have kept company with in college and here in Michigan are atypical. (which I guess could be the case)
But anyway, the point is that just using what we have experienced in our lives to determine how “all men…” or “all women…” are is not very accurate. And it’s really because of these stereotypes that we all have, though, that we end up setting lousy expectations for our potential relationships. We either start out expecting too much or too little and thus getting impressed very easily or not impressed at all.
“Now, as far as what you’re speaking of, that’s not nearly what I’m speaking about. Those girls (key word) don’t even know what love is, they just think they do. There’s a huge difference between people (women and men) who jump around from person to person… a few months here, and few months there… and those who were actually in a real relationship.”
While I agree with you, I still stand by my feeling that all people define “Love” differently. And the relationships that succeed are the ones in which both people have a similar definition of Love and what they expect of a loving relationship.
Posted by Michael in MI on December 5, 2007 – Wednesday at 1:20 PM
Another thought, since we are going from the premise that men are pathetic wusses and women are pillars of strength and courage.
Women may get over things easier, because they expect men to fail them. So ‘no harm, no foul’ when a man turns out to live down to women’s expectations of them. On the other hand, women have the stereotype of being the better sex, the more mature sex, the more emotionally stable sex, the more moral sex, etc etc. So when men get betrayed by women, they realize that stereotype is not true at all and everything they were taught and thought about women being better was just a lie. And then it takes a while to recover from that realization that women can actually be just as evil and conniving and lying bastards as… men. Meanwhile, women can just go “eh, so what, all men suck, no big deal”.
Again, just another perspective to ponder.
Posted by Michael in MI on December 5, 2007 – Wednesday at 12:03 PM
No, we are not going from that premise in the least bit. You’re assuming way too much here, because that last part I wrote in the blog was a joke, and I said as such. So please, don’t turn a joke into a huge issue.
We wouldn’t expect men to fail us if they didn’t continually… fail us.
And actually, it’s not a “no harm, no foul” thing. I’ve had my heart ripped out enough to know better than that. In actuality, women are more apt to believe in and put their trust into men, despite the fact that they’ve been wronged numerous times. As I said in the blog – we don’t harbor illwill for years, unlike men.
We have high expectations going into a relationship, because it’s exhilirating – we’re excited. It’s not because we have some preconceived notion of men, because it was slammed into our brains all throughout our lives. However, in this aspect, we should be more like men and have absolutely no expectations whatsoever…
In this day and age in today’s society, I’d have to agree with you that my gender is ALL messed up – just as bad as men. But that’s a whole other blog…
In the end, what this blog simply signifies is that men are scared to give their heart to someone new. Why? Because they refuse to allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable again. Does that make them wusses? Absolutely not! However, it does make them emotionally cold. And well, that’s not a good thing no matter how you try to slice it.
If you don’t take risks in life, including with your heart, you aren’t living…
Posted by Chrissy on December 5, 2007 – Wednesday at 12:49 PM
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.