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Words I Shouldn’t Say…

It’s 3am, I’m tired, I just watched a heartwarming movie which made me cry and think about my past love life and current lack of one and I’m always contemplative and introspective late at night when I should be sleeping, but am still awake and thinking.

My mind is racing, my heart is aching and I should just go to sleep and dream these thoughts away, because these are words I shouldn’t say…

But, I’m going to say them anyway…

*****

My life is in shambles and I’m a complete wreck. I’ve been laid off from my job for the first time in my 10 year career and despite my outer charade of confidence, I am a complete and utter insecure, uneasy, unsure, worried, scared wreck inside.

I’m unsure of my future. I’m unsure of myself.

Am I good enough? Will any new employer want me? Can I impress anyone enough to get an interview? Can I impress anyone in the interview enough to get the job? Am I really just a fraud that fooled everyone all these years and I really don’t know what I am doing? Was I only good enough to work where I worked, but my skills and knowledge are not transferable anywhere else?

3 days ago I went to bed completely sure of my life and where it was going. The next morning, I walked out of work completely unsure of where my life is headed.

My life used to be simple. Go to work, do my job to the best of my ability, earn my paycheck, pay my bills, live alone, take care of my cats, eat, workout, sleep, pine away for a woman and a love I will never have, breathe in, breathe out… rinse and repeat.

And I could do that in complete comfort. Well, except for the extreme pain of the pining away for the woman and love thing. But other than that, life was simple and comfortable and while everything did not always make sense, most things did and I knew everything I needed to do in order to get from day to day.

But now, everything has changed. Nothing is certain anymore. And now *I* am not certain anymore.

And right now, I would really just like to be able to be weak. I don’t want to be strong and tell myself everything will be fine. That I will be fine. That I need to just buck up and keep my chin up and know that if I pull up my bootstraps things will work out. That with every door that closes, many others open. I know all this is true, but I just want one moment of weakness.

I want a moment to cry. I want a moment to lay in someone’s arms and for once have them take care of me. Have them console me and tell me everything will be okay. After years of having no one, not feeling another’s touch, another’s warmth, another’s hug, another’s kiss, another hold me… now it hurts more than ever to not have that.

I want to let out all the pain, cry out all the hurt, pull her close to me and know that I have her to hold onto during my temporary fall in life, know that I still have something real in my life, something that still makes sense, something solid, something sturdy, something… someone… I can count on.

I don’t want to be weak with her, because she’ll let me or because I can, but because she wants me to be with her. Like me, she wants me to let it all out and depend on her when I need someone to depend on. I want someone to depend on. I want someone to cry to. I want someone to hold me. I want someone whose love carries me through this tough time in my life.

I can do this alone, but right now, I just don’t want to. For once, I want to be able to not have to do this all alone. I don’t want to have to hold it all inside and be strong, because that is what a man is supposed to do. Not cry, not show weakness, not show uncertainty, not show emotion. I want to let all that out with someone and know they won’t judge me for it.

But I can’t. I don’t have my family to turn to. I can’t do this with friends. And I don’t have ‘her’ in my life.

And of course all of that are words I shouldn’t say…

*****

I just watched Definitely, Maybe, right after I had watched Love Actually. I had seen Love Actually before and it’s one of my favorite movies. I cry every time watching the last part where the little boy is so excited, because he took a chance and got to talk to his crush and then have her give him a kiss and then seeing the nervous man propose to his crush. Gets me every time. Seeing genuine happiness like that. Seeing genuine innocent love like that. And seeing the genuine happiness when that genuine love is reciprocated.

I miss that. So much.

And then Definitely, Maybe. Oh brother, another movie that hits home in a weird way, sortof, maybe, but not actually, but kinda, in a way, maybe.

They kept in contact through letters and calls for years, but he never told her he fell in love and was engaged. Made me remember talking to her and realizing that she never told me for over a year that she was engaged. Why didn’t she tell me? Were we just not that close? Why wouldn’t she tell me that she fell in love and found the one she wanted to marry? Of course, I never told her right away about Marie. Granted, I kept that from her, because I didn’t want her to think I was unavailable. I still wanted her and would have dropped everything in my life in a heartbeat if I ever knew she wanted to take a chance with me. Is that why she kept the seriousness and the engagement from me? Did she feel the same way? Or had we drifted so far apart during that time that it just wasn’t important to tell me? Had we become such strangers that we didn’t share anything like that with one another? Or did she not tell me, because she knew I would be jealous and she didn’t want me to stop talking to her because of that? I know I told her about my girlfriends sometimes, because I wanted her to be jealous and want her to tell me *she* wanted to be my girlfriend. Of course, she was never like that. She would never do that to me. She would keep it to herself. Maybe that’s why she never said. Yes, definitely, that’s why. Definitely, maybe…

And then the book. Kept it to hold on to what little of her was left in his life. Reminded me of her tape she made me. And her e-mails and letters and cards. I have them all. Tucked away, to hold onto a piece of her in my life. It’s all I had left of her many times. I didn’t want to let go. Of her. And I still haven’t. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing I don’t know.

I’ve driven her crazy the last few months. Mostly because I am crazy about her, both figuratively and literally I think. Definitely, maybe… I drive myself crazy over her. And I end up driving her crazy as a result of my craziness.

I realize I haven’t been good to her. All these years, I haven’t been good to her. Well, most of the time I did, but there were definitely times I have not been. I’ve been jealous. I’ve been selfish. I’ve been angry. I’ve been sad. And I let that cloud and negatively affect how I was with her. Instead of doing what was in her best interest and being the friend I should have been, I was selfish. I let my jealousies and anger get in the way during the times I should have been patient and a true friend, looking out for what she needed, for her happiness, for her best interests.

And she knows this. And because of that, she probably feels she can’t trust me as an objective friend, with her best interests and happiness in mind. What kind of friend am I if I can’t be that to her? How selfish am I to make her not feel she can come to me, not feel she can trust me, not feel she can count on me when she needs me?

I want her to know she can count on me. And she can. Definitely, well, maybe… I still feel jealous when I think about her dating someone else. Not nearly as much as before, because I see things clearly now between her and I. I realize that it’s not just the distance that is keeping us apart, but also our differences. We’ve grown, as individuals, in different ways. Good ways, but different. And I realize now that those differences could be things that would prohibit us from being right for one another. Definitely, well, maybe… sometimes I think that maybe we just need a chance to see… see what would happen. Are we so different that we couldn’t be right for each other? Would we clash in lifestyle, attitude, personality, ideology, sexually, physically, emotionally, outlook on life, love and family? Or would everything become secondary and inconsequential compared to the amazing love and bond we would have for one another? How can we know unless we try? I go back and forth wanting to give up the dream of her… the dream of ‘us’… wanting to get my mindset into knowing we will never be, but we will always be friends. Good friends. Definitely, well, maybe… maybe I don’t have to give up the dream of her… of ‘us’… maybe she hasn’t given up either…

What was she keeping from me earlier this week? Here by Rascall Flatts. Where did that come from? Was she trying to tell me something? Or was it really just some random song she thought I would like?

“There’s a place I’ve been lookin’ for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I’d hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

CHORUS
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin’
And I’d retrieve all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It’s amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I’d find
I know now, there’s a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

Repeat Chorus

In a love I never thought I’d get to get to here
And if that’s the road
God made me take to be with you

Repeat Chorus

And I’d retrieve all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

God how these lyrics ring true with us. How I’ve felt about us. About ‘us’. Does she feel that way too? Was that what she was trying to say when she asked me about the song? She was acting very strange. For the first time in 10 years she apologized for ‘bothering’ me. In 10 years, she has never been a bother. Never. Ever. I don’t know if she really realizes that. I’ve always wanted her in my life and wish that every time we’ve shared could last forever. I wish that time could just stand still and everything else just drift away and we could just spend our time together. No worries, no stresses, nothing. Just her and I together, with all the time in the world to do with it as we wished, even if it was just me watching her sleep, breathing and out, safely beside me. I don’t think she knows that. And I don’t think I can tell her. For I still feel that any day now I will say something and it will scare her away again. I know she says otherwise and I know she is sincere, but I still have the fear inside. I don’t want to lose her. She’s here now and that’s where I want her to stay.

She’s here. Here. What did she mean by that? Why did she get apologetic, when she hasn’t been that way since we first met? I blew it off, because I didn’t want to get all mushy on her. I didn’t want to say exactly what came to mind when hearing the song and listening to the lyrics. She could have just been listening to music, like the song and wanted to know if I’d heard it. She could have been trying to tell me that she was glad we’d gotten to where we are now through all the ups and downs and glad we are now friends. Or maybe she was also thinking like part of me and thinking that we’d gotten through all this to come back to each other, both now single, both now grown, both now stronger, both now knowing more what we want, both better knowing ourselves and better knowing what we want in life… and love. She could have been… definitely, well, maybe… maybe she was just weak from being sick and letting her temporary weakness cloud her emotions, as I am doing now, up late at night thinking of all this, and she was just going down memory lane and thinking about all that and it really didn’t mean anything at all and I’m just looking way too far into things that don’t exist. Yeah, that’s probably it. Me wanting to see something that’s really not there. Yep, definitely, well, maybe…

I dunno…

*****

But it took me back. Back to when things were so simple between us. Even though they really weren’t, they at least seemed to be. I knew I wanted her. I was pretty confident she wanted me. Not for anything superficial like looks or sex or money or material possessions… but for how we felt when we were with one another. Well, as with one another as we could be through e-mail, IM and phone. But it still felt real. The feelings inside were real. The emotions were real. The emotions and feelings and thoughts and dreams and debates and sadness and troubles and struggles and vulnerabilities we shared with one another… were all real.

Things seemed so simple. I could pine away for her and feel comfortable doing so. It wasn’t my pining that scared her off, but the distance.

*****

And my job was simple back then. I was just starting my career and progressing forward with learning new things, meeting new people, making a name for myself, networking, developing a reputation as a hard worker, a diligent worker, a detailed and organized person, a go-getter, a positive, optimistic person, someone who would go the extra mile to get things done, a team player, and, above all, a man of intregrity whom everyone could trust. I was rewarded for hard work. Being a good man, a man of integrity paid off. My hard work and diligence impressed people and they rewarded me with their trust and their loyalty when I needed them for support. It was simple. It all made sense. My career was looking up and the sky was the limit. I knew what I wanted to do, I enjoyed what I was doing, I enjoyed with whom I worked, I looked forward to continuing to learn, continuing to expand my knowledge and skills and looked forward to using my skills and knowledge to help my coworkers and my company succeed.

And then over the course of 6 months, life stopped being so simple…

*****

I miss the simplicity of life. I miss knowing exactly what to expect. I miss having control of my future. I miss knowing exactly what and whom I can count on.

Everything is so different. She is different. I am different. My career is definitely different. But maybe…

Is everyone right? This door of my life has closed, are there others opening through which I should walk? Is this the chance I need to make other things happen? Is there a chance I can move back to Chicago to work and be closer to family? Is there a chance that if that happens, I could have a chance with her? Exactly 11 years ago, my life was thrown into chaos. But I took the internship in Kansas City and it turned out to be the turning point in my life and the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Could this be another such opportunity? Could this be another turning point in my life which could turn into the best thing to ever happen to me up to this point?

Everyone says so. Everyone says when one door closes, many others open…

Definitely, maybe…

I guess we’ll see….

December 21, 2008 , 3:30AM Posted by | Life, Love, Relationships, Romance | Comments Off on Words I Shouldn’t Say…