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Monday Morning Meaningless, Meandering, Mindless Mumblings

* I can’t even express in words how much I miss getting up to go to work on a Monday morning.  I feel so useless.

* I was only able to take a vacation once during the nine years that I held a steady, successful job, because I didn’t have the savings built up to take a vacation and I didn’t have but a few days vacation from work each year as part of my benefits.  But now that I have had the past 8 weeks of no work, I can’t get myself to take a vacation, because I am too stressed out about not working.  And about the realization that I go broke by the end of May and may foreclose on my house then too, if I don’t get another job by then.

* It’s amazing to think that 9 weeks ago, my life looked to be getting back on track this year — with getting out of debt, getting back in shape, getting to make some improvements on my house and looking to improve at my job with more opportunities to learn, grow and expand my talents.  And then WHAM!  Now here I sit, 3 months from going broke and my credit being ruined, losing my house and still unemployed with no prospects in sight.  Life can certainly turn on a dime.

* There was actually a good believer-atheist discussion at HotAir the other day.  Though one thing has stuck with me from the discussion.  AllahPundit mentioned that he had to end a relationship with a former friend over her Christian belief in non-believers going to Hell.  Another commenter had the same thought I did in that it sounded like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine yells at Puddy for his religious belief that Elaine is going to Hell, because she is not religious.  She screams at him that he “should *care* that I am going to Hell, even though I am *not*!”  I got to thinking about this more today and I really don’t know what AllahPundit expected of his friend.  Believers seem to be in a no-win situation with Atheists.   Atheists can make fun of believers for their beliefs, and then criticize believers if they return the favor, saying that they are not being Christian.  Atheists can also claim annoyance with believers when they try to “save” them from Hell, by trying to convert them to being a believer.  The Atheist will ask why the believer cannot just respect the Atheist’s freedom to choose not to believe and leave them the hell alone.  BUT… when the believer decides to do that to respect their Atheist friend’s wishes, the Atheist turns around and admonishes the believer for being content with the belief that the Atheist is going to Hell.  So it’s a no-win situation for believers when it comes to Atheists.  A believer will get grief for trying to “save” an Atheist and be called a Bible-thumping bully who’s trying to shove their beliefs onto others.  But then if they decide not to do that, the Atheist will then turn around and call them unfeeling bastards for being content knowing their Atheist friends are going to Hell.  I can sortof understand AllahPundit’s problem with his former friend’s beliefs, but, honestly, what did he expect her to do?  She can’t win with him.  And, ironically, in the end, he was the one who ended the relationship over religious beliefs.

* The more I go on without a job and without something to keep me busy and keep me feeling useful, the more down and depressed I get.  And the more I keep up with current events and politics, the even *more* down and depressed I get.  It seems like every day there is something coming from government which makes the future seem more and more and more bleak and hopeless.  So much for “hope” and “change”.

* I used to be a person who believed that hard work, a good positive attitude and being a person of honesty and integrity would equal success in this world.  The past 3 months have taught me that I was horribly, horribly wrong.  Liars, cheaters, the corrupt and the well-connected are the ones who succeed.  The last 3 months have taught me that life is not fair.  I should have known this already, but I was naive and an optimist.  No longer.

* Speaking of life not being fair, why are the three grandparents who were the best people, and whom I loved the most, all taken from this life already, while my mean, bigoted grandmother is still alive and kicking years after the others passed on?  To remind me of whom I never want to be?  Why couldn’t God leave a daily reminder of whom I always want to be?  Grandpa Yore, Grandpa Gobat, Grandma Gobat… I miss you.  So much.

* I can’t believe that our society considers Jessica Simpson “fat” or “packing on the pounds”, as I have seen stated on numerous “entertainment/gossip” sites and blogs.  The woman was hot before, but was also ridiculously thin.  Now that she has gained a little weight, she has more curves, looks more healthy and still looks *damn hot*.  It is pretty damn sad when society looks at a woman as good looking — and seemingly a good, decent person — as Jessica Simpson and deems her worthy of ridicule and scorn.

* I have DVRd the Disney movie Ratatouie and I watch it whenever I feel like relaxing and don’t find anything interesting to watch on regular TV.  As a result, I think I have watched that movie about 50 times in the last 2 months.  Great, cute movie.  I enjoy it every time I watch it.

*I miss the comaraderie of my coworkers — at both my former places of employment.  I was so lucky and blessed to have worked with such good people and I don’t think any of them know how much I enjoyed working with them and how much I miss them.

* I miss the comaraderie of the guys on my softball teams.  I can’t wait for it to start up again in May.   I just hope I am able to have the means to play again.  If I don’t have a job by then, I may have played my last games with those great groups of guys.

* I so miss the companionship of a woman.  Just simple things.  Her smile hello.  Hug hello.  Holding hands.  A nice dinner out together, talking and sharing and continuously learning about one another.  I miss kissing.  I *so* miss kissing.  Not just the physical part of it but the emotional connection that comes with the intimacy of the kiss.  The first kiss.   The anticipation leading up to the next kiss.  And then that first passionate makeout session.  And the anticipation leading up to the next makeout session.  Cuddling watching movies.  Holding hands in the car.  Holding hands in the movie theater.  Falling asleep together.  Waking up together.  I miss it all.  And my eyes water, and I sometimes cry, once a day realizing that I may never experience it again.

* I wonder if I would truly go mad if I didn’t have my cats to keep me company and give me someone (er something) to take care of.  They both have their own personalities and they both show their affection for me in their own ways.  It’s not much, and it’s not human contact, but I think it is all that keeps me going sometimes.  To be able to care for them and allow them to care for me in their little cat ways.  Now that I think about it, that’s cute, but really sad and pathetic.

* Purdue plays Michigan State tomorrow night at Mackey Arena.  If they win, they have a shot to win the Big Ten.  If they lose, it’s all over.  I’d like to get excited about the game, but whenever I do that, my teams let me down.  So I’ll probably just skip the game, assume they will lose and then leave myself open to be happily surprised if they win.


Well, that’s enough meaningless, meandering, mindless mumblings for now.

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February 16, 2009 , 11:46AM - Posted by | Christianity, Life, Relationships, Romance

4 Comments

  1. “the companionship of a woman … simple things … I may never experience it again….”

    I thought the same thing just 6 weeks ago, and I thought it also a few years ago. Both times, things turned out better.

    “I can’t get myself to take a vacation, because I am too stressed out…”

    My advice is that if you can afford to take even a couple of days vacation, you should, just to clear uour head and see things differently.

    “I go broke by the end of May and may foreclose on my house then too, if I don’t get another job by then. … WHAM! Now here I sit, 3 months from going broke and my credit being ruined, losing my house and still unemployed with no prospects in sight. Life can certainly turn on a dime.”

    True, but things can also improve on a dime. Try to be optimistic enugh to spot opportunities if they arise.

    Not to make light of your problems, but try most of all to be healthy and just worry about the very important things. Even losing a house or going bankrupt is not the end of the world. I’m saying this from experience, and even now if I think too much about my situation I can get very depressed, but still it’s good to be alive.

    “believer-atheist … HotAir … AllahPundit mentioned that he had to end a relationship with a former friend over her Christian belief in non-believers going to Hell.”

    Seems weird. If he’s an atheist why should he care if someone believes he’ll go to Hell. Sounds like he’s scared.

    “I really don’t know what AllahPundit expected of his friend. Believers seem to be in a no-win situation with Atheists.”

    I had a friend. He said he had absolutely no faith, no believe in God or a point to life, etc. I said, “So you think you’re daughter is only on Earth to feed worms? Why don’t you tell her that?” And of course he got angry at me, for MY insensitivity.

    “Atheists can make fun of believers for their beliefs, and then criticize believers if they return the favor, saying that they are not being Christian.”

    I had the same experience just yesterday. Insults, swearing, etc. So I said. “You’re a real cunt, you know that? You must have a miserable life.” So everyone ganged up on me and said I was a pig, and “that’s not very Christian language, is it!” etc. Good thing I couldn’t give a flying fuck what idiots think.

    “I used to be a person who believed that hard work, a good positive attitude and being a person of honesty and integrity would equal success in this world. … Liars, cheaters, the corrupt and the well-connected are the ones who succeed. The last 3 months have taught me that life is not fair. I should have known this already, but I was naive and an optimist. No longer.”

    So now you know! There’s too much “prosperity gospel” in the world.” I don’t mean that’s you, as far as I know, but there’s no guarantee that honesty or hard work will be rewarded. You could get hit by falling rock any second. Not to preach (not really …) but the world is always like that. At least you’re not a sap like all the sincere Obamites who are going to come crashing back down to Earth very soon. I think you should just be good for the sake of being good, not necessarily with the hope of a reward. Remember, “Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a neeedle .. last will be first” and so on.

    Be good, have faith, try your best.

    Comment by Akira | February 17, 2009 , 12:17AM

  2. Also, my remarks about even if “the worst” should happen, it’s not the end of the world — that’s because I guess you must be still young, based on your grad date and the fact that you still have a living grandparent.

    There’s no way of knowing where you’ll be in ten years, or if you’ll even be the same person. So sorry for the lack of originality, but again, please just be good, have faith, try your best.

    Comment by Akira | February 17, 2009 , 12:21AM

  3. I thought the same thing just 6 weeks ago, and I thought it also a few years ago. Both times, things turned out better.

    Well, while I am sincerely happy for your success, trust me when I say I have reason to be cynical about my hopes for my own future. I have not been on a date going on 3 years now, haven’t been with a woman physically since July 2005 and haven’t shared the emotional connection with a woman since sometime in 2003, when my last relationship started to go bad, before we eventually ended it in July 2005. And now the longer that I have been without dating, the more I allow myself to fall down the spiral of negativity, cynicism and insecurity. Which has led me to take myself out of even the possibility of dating anyone, because no woman deserves to put up with a man in my frame of mind.

    My advice is that if you can afford to take even a couple of days vacation, you should, just to clear uour head and see things differently.

    Well, I can afford a vacation, sure. However, I have my budget all figured out for the next year and, with being unemployed and on unemployment, I (well, MS Money) calculated that I go broke by the end of April; the end of May if I put off all my May bill payments until the end of the month. So while I can afford it right now (as I technically have money in the bank), it simply means that I can survive for less time later. So I am not spending any unnecessary money right now.

    True, but things can also improve on a dime. Try to be optimistic enugh to spot opportunities if they arise.

    Yeah, I know. That’s the advice I would give to any of my friends who are in the same situation. And it is what I tell my friends who were also laid off with me. I just don’t see it happening for me. I’m trying to stay positive, but the more time goes by with no opportunities and the more I keep up with current events and politics and such, the more difficult it is for me to stay positive.

    Not to make light of your problems, but try most of all to be healthy and just worry about the very important things. Even losing a house or going bankrupt is not the end of the world. I’m saying this from experience, and even now if I think too much about my situation I can get very depressed, but still it’s good to be alive.

    To be completely blunt with you, I honestly don’t see anything positive about me still being alive. I’m not contributing anything to society at the moment, I don’t have a family (wife and kids) and my friends are very limited and the future looks pretty bleak, especially considering I have wanted to get married and have a family since I was 14… 19 years later, here I am with that dream pretty much over. So really, the way I see it, me being alive doesn’t really add anything to society and me dying wouldn’t really leave a hole in this world either. And really, I don’t take joy in just being alive for the sake of being alive. I want to contribute in some way. If I can’t, then I see no point to being alive for the sake of being alive. The only thing that keeps me going is the little faith in God that I have left. Because I have to believe that if I am still here, then He still has plans for me. If my faith in God goes though, then I’m going to start to wonder about my purpose here.

    Seems weird. If he’s an atheist why should he care if someone believes he’ll go to Hell. Sounds like he’s scared.

    Well, he actually made a good analogy. He said it was like having a Black friend who subscribed to say Black Liberation Theology and thought all Whites were racist and out to get the Black community. While that is not true, and not true of me, I don’t know how I could deal with the fact that my friend thought that poorly of me, simply because I am a White guy. Now apply that to AllahPundit’s situation and I can see his conundrum. I still found it ironic though that he ended the friendship over religion instead of the other way around.

    I had a friend. He said he had absolutely no faith, no believe in God or a point to life, etc. I said, “So you think you’re daughter is only on Earth to feed worms? Why don’t you tell her that?” And of course he got angry at me, for MY insensitivity.

    I’ve brought that up in the believer-atheist discussions on HotAir in the past. I usually get the same reaction or the non-believers just ignore the statement and move the goalposts. Typical. The problem is that they can logically say that just because something makes us feel better (knowing that God created us and we have everlasting life to look forward to) does not make it true. I never have an answer for that. Because they are correct. Still, I never understand how Atheists can be so smug and condescending and proud of their view of life as pretty much meaningless and pointless and random.

    I had the same experience just yesterday. Insults, swearing, etc. So I said. “You’re a real cunt, you know that? You must have a miserable life.” So everyone ganged up on me and said I was a pig, and “that’s not very Christian language, is it!” etc. Good thing I couldn’t give a flying fuck what idiots think.

    Heh, I used to get into discussions like that. Now I don’t even bother. Not worth my time and frustration. I was once called “the worst excuse for a man on the planet” based on my opinion of abortion. This from some chick who posted on my MySpace blog, saying I needed to be more tolerant and less judgmental of people. I told her it was ironic coming from someone who was intolerant of my views and judging my character based on one blog post of mine she’s read, without even knowing me personally whatsoever.

    So now you know! There’s too much “prosperity gospel” in the world.” I don’t mean that’s you, as far as I know, but there’s no guarantee that honesty or hard work will be rewarded. You could get hit by falling rock any second. Not to preach (not really …) but the world is always like that. At least you’re not a sap like all the sincere Obamites who are going to come crashing back down to Earth very soon. I think you should just be good for the sake of being good, not necessarily with the hope of a reward. Remember, “Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a neeedle .. last will be first” and so on.

    Oh I am good for the sake of being good. Plus I think it is the right thing to do. Plus I like being good and making a positive difference in the world and in people’s lives. I don’t do it out of any hope or expectation that it will be returned to me. But I admit that I get frustrated when it seems that bad people get rewarded many times and good people get shit on. But, I know, life is not fair, and it has always been that way. I get that and I accept that. Just sometimes I get so frustrated with it that I need to vent about it sometimes and then move on.

    Be good, have faith, try your best.

    Thanks, that’s what I spend each day trying to do. Some days I fail (especially lately), but I just then try harder the next day.

    Thanks for taking the time to comment. I wrote this not thinking anyone would read it, since I don’t have much readership here, if any. But it’s always a pleasant surprise when someone leaves a nice comment such as yours. So thanks again.

    Comment by michaelinmi | February 17, 2009 , 10:11PM

  4. Also, my remarks about even if “the worst” should happen, it’s not the end of the world — that’s because I guess you must be still young, based on your grad date and the fact that you still have a living grandparent.

    Yeah, I just turned 33 last week. So still “young”, but really, in today’s culture that’s deemed “old”, what with people getting married earlier and earlier nowadays. I’m pretty much an old man. Won’t be long now also until people start wondering if I am homosexual, simply because I am in my 30s and not married. *So* looking forward to that. Plus, women my age seem to be either divorced, single moms with one or more kids, cynical and given up on love, their biological clock is ticking so they are looking to settle down right away or any combination of any of those situations.

    Looking back I had everything planned out in high school. I was going to go to college, meet my future wife there, graduate and find a good job, we would move to the same place, marry soon after graduation, then wait a few years to enjoy married life with one another and then start having children after that. By now I was hoping to be where my cousin and his wife are (he’s soon-to-be 34 in May and he and his wife have 4 beautiful children together). Now, I look at things and realize that at 33, the chance to date and marry a girl in her late 20s is slowly fading and I’ll soon be too old to have a chance with anyone who is single, never married, no kids, who still believes in love, waiting to have sex until marriage, yet doesn’t see marriage as ‘settling down’, but rather the beginning of the next great adventurous part of our lives together. Reality hit me when a 24 year old told a work friend of mine, when she queried her about fixing her up with me, that 32 was ‘too old’ for her.

    So, sure, I’m still ‘young’, but it’s all relative. And looking ahead, who knows when I am going to get my life on track again with a job and getting my financial situation better again after this disaster, if I lose my house and my credit goes to hell. It could be 5 years before I recover and by then I will be 38. What girl in her right mind will want to date and marry and have kids with a 38-year old never married guy who hasn’t had sex or made out with a girl in over a decade?

    There’s no way of knowing where you’ll be in ten years, or if you’ll even be the same person.

    Oh I definitely know that. I look back and am amazed at how much I have changed in the past 10 years, past 5 years, past 3 years. I know I will continue to grow, continue to learn and continue to change. That’s the beauty of life, I think: always growing, always learning, always the opportunity to improve.

    Comment by michaelinmi | February 17, 2009 , 10:24PM


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