AmeriCAN-DO Attitude

Are you an AmeriCAN or an AmeriCAN'T?

Midnight Run

Jack M.’s latest post at Ace of Spades is just another classic reason why I so enjoy that site.

Especially stuff like this:

2. Tell the Truth about watching “Sex and the City”-

No man sporting a pair of testicles (and I can probably widen the list to include uniballs like Lance Armstrong) gives a rats f’n ass about “Sex and the City.”

If you admit to watching it, you are announcing to the world that you identify with:

A) A 90 year old whorebag;
B) A red-headed lesbian;
C) A phony, holier-than-thou goody-goody or
D) Matthew Broderick’s sloppy seconds.

None, and I repeat, [none] of these characters are attractive in the long term. Unless you, as the red headed lesbian, also have a hot and eager female friend.

Which seems unlikely. After all, if you did, why would you be wasting time watching “Sex and the City”?

Trust me on this: Just drop the phrase “I’m such a Miranda” into small talk and I guarantee you your phone won’t ring again. Unless the guy you are dating is gay and wants fashion tips.

In which case, the relationship probably won’t work anyway. So you have that going for you.


However, upon further reading through his “Rules to Ensure [a Woman Doesn’t] Get Called Back” and coming to his “Midnight Run” rule…

4. Talk about your “monthly visit from Aunt Flo”-

You know how you can tell a guy is a pussy? (Besides his posting under the name “Jack M.”) You are at the gas station at 11:00 PM filling up the car for a night on the town, and you see some poor schmoe traipsing into the station with his head buried in his hoodie.

Is he about to rob the place? Probably not. Chances are he’s on a late night “tampon run.” It’s basically the closest thing guys have to a “walk of shame.”

NO GUY WANTS TO DO THIS. Ever. And it’s not a case of “he would if he loved you.” You could add that clause to the end of the following sentence “The King told the man considering a career as a palace eunuch ‘you would if you loved me’.” Doesn’t really prove much, does it?

Ladies, most of us like our nuts just where they are, thank you. If you wanna spook a guy, drop in a talk about your cycle.

Because that’s one of those things you women yammer on about ad nauseam once the ice on the subject has been broken. And if you are willing to talk about it, Lord knows you won’t think twice about asking us to do that humiliating midnight run.

…I got to thinking…

What kind of woman allows herself to get down to her last tampon to the point where she needs to embarass her significant other into going on a midnight run for them? Seriously.

I mean, whenever I get down to 3 rolls of toilet paper left, I put it on my to-do list to go pick some up at the store the next day [along with a bunch of other things, because, while it’s not tampons, it still feels a little strange just going to the store for toilet paper]. I certainly don’t wait until I am sitting on the throne, needing the stuff and then realize ‘damn, all out’ and then call out to my honey “hey darlin’, can you make a midnight run for some TP?” Yeah, she’ll be makin’ a run… clear out the door, never to return to a guy who’s so incompetent that he can’t even keep enough toilet paper on hand.

Yet, men are supposed to not have this same reaction to a woman who can’t remember to keep enough tampons on hand and asks her significant other to make a midnight run for her? And it’s not like she doesn’t have an entire *month* to remember to stock up again before she needs the next one.

It seems to me that it’s not “the walk of shame” because the guy is buying tampons, it’s “the walk of shame”, because the guy doesn’t have the balls to dump his irresponsible girlfriend on the spot. If the woman can’t even be responsible about something as small but pretty important like her “cycle”, then that should say something about her responsibility in other areas.

Now, am I a cold, heartless, insensitive prick for thinking and writing this? Probably. But that’s the beauty of being a man who has come to grips with the fact that I will never have another romantic relationship with a woman in my life. When the chances of companionship with a female plummet to zero, it becomes that much easier to express opinions without worrying about “hmmm, if I say this, I’ll probably never have a shot with another woman again”. Since that’s already the case, I have no worries.


April 10, 2009 , 11:15AM - Posted by | Life, Relationships

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