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Vampires are Not Emo High School Kids

Heh, great comment left here ripping on the Twilight series:

Vampires are not emo high school kids. Vampires are not angsty romance-novel cover models in poufy shirts. Vampires are not hunky guys who just happen to nibble your neck now and then.

Let me be clear: Vampires are walking corpses who feed on the living. When you watch Night of the Living Dead or any other “zombie” movie, you’re really watching vampires. Those dudes are vampires but we call them zombies because George Romero is a fucking illiterate.

Now and then you get a super-genius vampire who studied sorcery at the Devil’s school in Transylvania (it’s like Hogwarts, except that one out of every ten students gets dragged off to Hell instead of graduating — so long, Ron!) and by sheer superhuman force of will has retained his intelligence and cunning even in death. That’s how you get Dracula. He’s scary because he’s a shambling undead bloodsucker who isn’t a mindless killing machine. Oh, and Dracula didn’t spend his time wearing a God-damned white tie and tails. He dressed in regular clothes because he wanted to blend in, not look like some drunk in a vampire costume.

The whole idea of a “good” or sympathetic vampire is asinine. It’s like writing fiction about a nice SS officer or a sympathetic psychopath. If vampires were good, they’d go ahead and fucking die already, because their very existence is a sin against God and nature. They are cursed walking corpses who fucking kill people. That’s why we call them monsters.

If I ever meet Stephanie Meyers or Anne Rice I’m going to lock them in a room with a hunger-crazed animated corpse and see how long they think the blasphemous monstrosity is sexy.

Posted by: Trimegistus at February 08, 2010 10:04 PM


February 8, 2010 , 10:19PM - Posted by | Hollywood, Movies

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