What I Miss…
It’s funny how our subconscious works. Well, at least how mine works, anyway.
I’ve been spending the last few weeks feeling angry. Angry about my past romantic — or almost-romantic — relationships with women. I’ve been consciously convincing myself that I hate women, that I’m now a misogynist and that there is nothing worth it about having a romantic relationship with a woman. This, of course, being a complete 180 degree turn from how I felt about romantic relationships my entire life until this point.
But, I thought that this was what I needed to do in order to relieve the pain inside. When I was unemployed the past 2 years and basically living like a hermit — pretty much only coming out of the house to go to walleyball, softball and to do grocery shopping — I didn’t have to deal with people talking about their relationships on a daily basis. I didn’t have to see or hear about what I was missing. So while I was alone and feelings of loneliness would creep in from time to time, I could easily sweep them aside and ignore them. But, now that I am back to work, I get to see and hear about other people’s social lives and family lives on a daily basis. It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have and what I know I will never have again.
And, of course, this works to bubble up all the emotions and feelings that I had thought that I kept shoved down deep inside me, hoping to ignore and forget.
So, to counteract this, since ignoring and forgetting was not working, I felt the best way to deal with the pain was to fight back against it with anger. And this was working for a while. Until it apparently reached it’s apex of effectiveness last week during an online conversation I had with a few female Facebook ‘friends’. After a fairly heated discussion of the role of modern women in destroying relationships nowadays, I went to sleep annoyed and upset. One would think that this would lead to either no dreams or dreams regarding my frame of mind. But no…
Instead, for the past week, I’ve been having dreams about past girlfriends, about romantic scenarios with some anonymous love interest (similar to the dreams I have written about in the past HERE and HERE) and last night I had one about a girl — whom I only knew online and on the phone — who lied to me and utterly destroyed any trust I might have had left in women. In addition, I’ve been having random thoughts and memories of good things from my past relationships with women. I remembered the time when my very first girlfriend told me she loved me. I remembered the time when she and I first held hands. I remembered how the online liar girl had a thing about needing her truck windshield clean when she drives and how I planned to keep it clean for her if we ever met and hung out. And then last night I had some dream about online liar girl coming to see me and taking me to where she lived in order to explain to me why she had been lying to me all the time, because she was embarrassed about her life and her home.
It’s as if I am at war with my own sub-conscious. Here I am trying my damndest to keep my emotions in check, push them down deep so they won’t make my life more difficult and they end up fighting back with me, rushing up to the surface like an erupting volcano to further complicate things.
Today TBS had on the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (with Michael Cera and Kat Dennings, whose character is pretty hot in the movie). It’s a decent movie, but the interaction and chemistry between Michael Cera and Kat Dennings was what got me. They have an innocent, developing romance. The shy, innocent looks from Kat Dennings character are just so adorable and attractive and reminded me of those times in the beginning of relationships I had with a few girls in college. Something as simple as a short, sweet kiss — especially the first one between you and the girl — was treated as special.
And it inevitably got me thinking back again to everything I miss from a romantic relationship with a girl. (Well, at least the ideal one that I no longer believe today’s girls and women are capable of or even desire anymore…)
A small theme in the movie was about staying in a relationship that wasn’t really all that great, simply because it sometimes offered comfort and a feeling of being special to that one person.
Nick: What are the benefits?
Norah: Yeah, that’s crossed my mind. I don’t know. I don’t know, he’s just always been there, and you just feel ignored for long enough and, it’s just nice to feel special sometimes.
And the theme of holding hands was a part of this comfort.
Thom: You just haven’t figured it out yet, have you.
Thom: …The big picture!
Nick: I guess not.
Thom: The Beatles.
Nick: What about them?
[grabs Nick’s hand]
Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” The first single. It’s effing brilliant, right?… That’s what everybody wants, Nicky. They don’t want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don’t want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
That got me remembering the first time I held my college girlfriend’s hand. It was on our first date. We were walking around Indiana University as she was showing me the campus as it was my first time there. We decided to walk through the Memorial Union building and came upon some famous fireplace. We decided to sit down for a bit, since we had been walking for quite a while. I sat down first and she sat next to me on my left. We both just stared off into the fire in the fireplace. Of course, I was in heaven, because she was sitting right next to me and then eventually leaned into me and layed her head on my shoulder. Prior to her doing that, all I was waiting for was her signal for when she wanted to get walking again. But after… I could have sat there all night with her. I think we both were starting to feel our closeness developing at this point. But, we didn’t hold hands there on the bench, even though I was working up the nerve to take her hand the entire time we sat there. After a few minutes, she eventually said ‘okay, let’s go see (something)’ and we got up to go. Well, after having developed that closeness now, having sat close on the bench for a few minutes, we had that shy, innocent tension going as we walked close to one another. As our arms swung by — her right arm swinging back, my left arm swinging forward — our fingers touched. We did this for another swing or two, I think, until finally on the third swing-by, I took her hand in mine… and we held hands for the rest of the night.
*sigh* I can still remember that like it was yesterday. A period of time in my life that happened 15 years ago and lasted probably a whole 10 minutes, but the memory of the feelings and the emotions of the moment are still as strong as ever.
This past week, I’ve also had the memory of when she first told me she loved me pop into my head. I don’t even know what triggered it, whether it was a song or TV show or something I read. I just know that I was overcome with emotion remembering her cute, adorable, shy way of telling me she loved me for the first time.
First of all, a few weeks prior (we’ve been together for about a year at this point), I was so overcome with emotion one night when we were cuddling together (okay, and pretty heavily ‘making out’) that I had the desire to tell her I loved her. BUT, I knew from the beginning of our relationship how she was not the mushy, lovey-dovey type of girl and was averse to that kind of thing. So, in that moment, I was completely being torn in different directions. I wanted to tell her that I loved her… without actually telling her. I wanted her to know that I loved her… without actually saying the words that might scare her off. So we’re in my dorm room, the lights are dim, it’s late at night, we’ve just finished ‘making out’ and we’re just lying together listening to music. I look at her and tell her that I want her to know how much she means to me and how much I care for her. I’m trying to get up the nerve to say the actual words “I love you, Jen”, but I’m also deathly afraid that if I say that to her, it will have the opposite effect of what I intend and will scare her off. I’m practically trembling from the overwhelming counteracting emotions (love and fear) I’m feeling. After gazing at her lovingly, I give her the most intense hug I can manage to give her. Apparently, I felt that maybe my “I love you” would flow through her through osmosis or something. But, just like I learned that didn’t work with my engineering studies, it didn’t work here either. Next, I clasped her cheek lovingly with my hand and brought her in close and kissed her the most passionately I could. Apparently, I felt that even though osmosis didn’t work through the body, maybe there was some way to get it to work through the lips. But still, no dice. Finally, she calmed me down and gave me a knowing look of comfort, as if to say ‘don’t worry, I know, and it’s okay’. I never did tell her ‘I love you’ that night, but I think she knew.
So back to a few weeks later. We’re at her father’s house back in her hometown, on vacation for Spring Break, I believe. We’re in the kitchen and sitting at the kitchen table and she has a can of pop she’s drinking. All of a sudden, she gives me a look. She then tells me to look at her can of pop. She’s tried to write “I Love You” in the can ‘sweat’, but it’s tough to make out, and I’m not sure if that’s what she’s doing, so I just play dumb and smile and kinda give her a look of confusion. She tries to do it again, but then her father walks in and spoils the moment. So we move into the living room. This time, she makes sure I know what she wants to say. She doesn’t say a word, because she doesn’t want her father to hear, but tells me to turn around with my back facing to her. She then slowly ‘writes’ I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U in large letters on my back, one at a time. With each one, she’s sending tingles down my spine, first from just her touch and then from knowing she is telling me she loves me for the first time.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more on such an emotional high.
And this is what my subconscious has been doing to me. In a time when I am working to bury all this deep down and forget it, it comes rushing up to the forefront. I just don’t get it.
But it’s these little things that I miss. It’s not the sex or the fancy dates. It’s the little things… the moments… the conversations… the embraces… the innocent kisses… and all the feelings and emotions that went into these small moments in the relationships. I Remember these things. These Cherished moments.
The problem is that, from what I can tell, most girls and women these days don’t appreciate or desire these sorts of things anymore. People are hung up on sex and money and superficialities. There no longer seems to be a desire among women for a meaningful relationship built on friendship, trust, intellectual chemistry, emotional chemistry, spiritual chemistry*, physical chemistry, romance and love.
So, taking that into account, I’ve determined that I’ll never find a woman with whom I’m compatible and who appreciates in a relationship what I appreciate. And, thus, I’ve determined that I need to forget about ever again having these things that I miss and just bury all those desires.
The problem is, as I have found out, I’m always going to be at war with my sub-conscious. If I try to fight it, it fights back. But if I just try to ignore it, I still have to deal with the memories and emotions surfacing from time to time to cause havok on me.
Assuming I am going to live many years yet, I *have* to find a way to deal with this, otherwise the emotional chaos is going to drive me crazy.
* Speaking of spiritual chemistry, one of the cutest parts of the movie was towards the end when Kat Dennings character shares a part of Judaism that she likes:
Norah: It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I like. It’s called Tikkun Olam. It says that the world is broken into pieces and it’s everyone’s job to find them and put them back together again.
Nick: Well, maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe we’re not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.
Norah: Nick? I’m coming in…
Watching Kat Dennings’ Norah character in this scene is just… it’s a sweet and tender moment. First, you can tell that Norah is going out on a limb sharing something deeply special to her regarding her faith. That right there is a part of a relationship that I cherish the most… when a girl/woman trusts you enough, feels that comfort with you that she feels she can share something truly meaningful and special to her that she wouldn’t share with just anything else. That, to me, is more meaningful than a woman sharing anything physically intimate with me. Second, after Nick responds to her, you can tell that it means so much to her that he understands her and understands something that is so deeply important to her. It moves her so much that she wants to kiss him for the first time to let him know how much it means to her.
Another moment in a relationship that I miss…
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.