I wrote this back in July and only posted it to my MySpace blog. But the thoughts crossed my mind again and figured I would post it here.
Since I read so many military blogs on a regular basis, I regularly come across the blogs of “Military Wives” (and girlfriends), on which they are usually (rightfully) complaining about being scared, lonely, having such tough lives to live, missing their soldier, going through “withdrawals”, etc. These are all human emotions and normal for people involved in long distance relationships and for military wives they are felt Xs 100, what with their significant others not only being a long distance away, but in mortal danger 24/7.
Now, while I have complete respect for the military families going through this, even though I cannot even fathom how it would feel to know my significant other was in a war zone and could be killed at any instant, there is another part of me that tends to think “well, at least you have someone to miss and long for that much”.
I know that seems callous and selfish, but I can’t deny that I feel it. (Granted I guess I could just keep the feeling to myself and no one would be the wiser that the emotion and thought came over me… nontheless…)
Part of me is extremely jealous of military members for the sole reason that they have such love and support and passion and compassion within their families. While they have to be away from their families and loved ones for months at a time, I am still jealous of that powerful love that I read about on the soldiers’ blogs as well as on the blogs of the soldiers’ wives and girlfriends and even their families and friends. I guess because I haven’t felt anything close to that kind of love and support and passion in so long…
I’ve always been an outsider, whether it be in my family, in High School and then in college. I’ve always been conservative-minded, a non-partier, a non-drinker, very shy and insecure, yet very passionate. And just an average-looking guy. You combine all that and it doesn’t draw a lot of people to you, whether guy or girl. The girls don’t flock to the nice, average-looking guys unless they have nice things or are rich or they are drinkers/partiers. And I’ve never been a “guy’s guy”, because I’m not misogynistic regarding women and I don’t drink. Add to that that I am a hopeless romantic, sensitive guy who wants nothing more in life than to be a husband and father and that pretty much gets my ‘man card’ taken away.
So I have never had that strong bond with either girls or guys. I don’t have one friend left over from childhood or grammar school or high school. Or college either. The friends I have now are from when I moved to Michigan in 1999. So my longest, closest friendship is only 5 years old, if that. And every day I keep myself from completely trusting my friends with all of myself, because I figure they will move away, as most of my past friends have done at one time or another. One of them already did just this past March and it hurt me more than I let on to anyone, including him. I didn’t realize how much I actually missed him until he came back for a visit a few weeks ago and I almost started crying reminiscing about the things we used to do together (going blading, talking about girls, talking about politics, talking about Seinfeld episodes, etc), but thankfully was able to keep my composure and laugh it off to play it off as no big deal. But it really made me realize how much I had come to appreciate him as a friend. But of course, now that he moved to Colorado, it’s a lot tougher to keep the same level of friendship. And it hurts…
It hurts to not have that bond with anyone. Not have anyone I can depend on whenever I need someone to talk to. Need someone to tell about my day. Need someone to tell about my dreams or my fear or my goals or my deep thoughts that I have about everything and nothing. Not have that someone to just call up when I need a hug. That someone to just call up and say “hey, let’s go for a walk/drive/run/blade and just hang out and do nothing together”. That someone to just call up and say, “hey, let’s get some lunch” or “hey, wanna get some dinner and chat a bit” or “hey, how about a coffee/cocoa?” That female friend to call up and ask for a hug and talk about serious sensitive things that one can only feel comfortable talking about with a woman, because you know she won’t judge you. That female friend who will just sit with you and hold your hand and watch movies or lay and cuddle and “just be”. Or that girlfriend with whom you fall asleep holding and wake up with her in your arms, and sleep in just to feel her body moving against yours as she breathes while she sleeps.
But where it really hurts is when I read about and see the videos of the coming home celebrations. Part of me bawls because it is so amazing and wonderful to see everyone so happy to be reunited after so long. But part of me cries inside and out, because I know I don’t have that. I have no one waiting at home for me. I have no one who appreciates what I do each day. I have no one who cares whether I live or die. I have no one who is proud of the person whom I am. I have no one who is proud of the man I am, the principles in which I believe, the morals by which I live.
It’s an empty feeling. Completely empty. My heart breaks a little more every time I dwell on it.
Wondering… which is rougher… missing the one you love, or not having anyone to love or miss… or anyone who loves or misses you…