First time she caught my eye.
First time I caught hers.
First time she smiled at me.
First time she made my heart skip a beat.
First time I knew,
she’s someone special.
First date nervousness.
First bonding moment.
First call the next day.
First excitement from seeing her caller ID.
First rush from hearing her voice.
First calm from sharing our days.
First thrill anticipating our next meeting.
First planning for the next date.
First time laying awake thinking of her.
First time I just can’t wait.
First time she hugged me.
First time she put her arm in mine.
First time she cuddled next to me.
First time our fingers intertwined.
First time she gave me ‘that look’.
First time I get lost in her eyes.
First time we move in close.
First time her lips meet mine.
First intimate moment.
First extended kiss.
First long night together.
First long morning goodbye.
First time we share our secrets.
First time we pour out our hearts.
First time we share our dreams.
First time we don’t want to be apart.
First time we know we have something special.
First time I see that look in her eye.
First time she tells me she loves me.
First time she makes me lovingly sigh.
First time I tell her I love her.
First time I see tears in her eyes.
First time I know I’ve found her.
First time in love in my life.
First moment of passion.
First gentle touch of her hands on me.
First feeling of her soft body.
First feeling of ecstasy.
First time tough life moments endured together.
First time life’s joys shared together.
First time challenges met together.
First time we see our future together.
First time I see the wonderful person she is and will continue to be.
First time I see the simply amazing woman she is inside.
First time I realize the better man she brings out in me.
First time I realized, I want to be with her the rest of my life.
[I just went back to read my previous post I made when I had a dream similar to this one and I noticed that it is dated JAN 07, 2007. This new dream, that I just had, happened the morning of JAN 07, 2011. Weird symmetry… assuming that I wrote that post the day of the dream, which I believe that I did.]
The older I get, the more amazed I am regarding how the mind and subconscious work. Or at least how my mind and subconscious work.
All my life, I’ve always had pretty vivid and imaginative dreams, even when I was a child. I’ve had recurring nightmares and even recurring good dreams. I’ve had recurring themes in my dreams, such as tornadoes, being late to class, being lost trying to find a class or exam I need to take, flying or floating on air and even seeing whom I thought to be my “one true love”.
Lately, over the last couple months or so, I have been having dreams with the recurring theme of being back in college and either being late to class or not being able to find a class or exam. Recently, it changed slightly to where I actually had apparently found the class, but the subject matter was much more difficult than I had anticipated and I was worried. I’m guessing that this had a lot to do with my worries regarding my unemployment situation. The more that I had been fretting about my future, it was probably sending my subconscious into overdrive, leaving me with dreams galore.
But this past Friday morning, I had the most intense dream regarding my “one true love” that I can even remember having. It was so intense that when I awoke, I was still literally shedding tears of joy and happiness from what was occurring in the dream. Needless to say, I was more disappointed than I have ever been that my alarm had woken me from this dream and I had to get up and get ready for work.
Now, I’ve had dreams with a romantic theme before, including some regarding my first girlfriend. I was having them so frequently after our breakup, and they were still so vivid in my mind after waking up from them, that I decided to write them down into a poem. They ended up becoming my poem “Dreaming of You…” More recently, I had an intense emotional dream about a girl whom I just assumed was my “one true love”, but at the very least was a serious emotional, romantic interest. My vivid memory of that dream I turned in to my post “Only in My Dreams“. At the time, that had been my most intense emotional dream regarding my “one true love”. Until this past week…
Now, some of the dream I’m about to describe I think I can attribute to things that I had been thinking about during the week or earlier that day. For instance, in the beginning of the dream, I remember that I was in Hawai’i, apparently on vacation. This I think I can attribute to reading about my younger brother planning his R&R from his deployment in Hawai’i. Also in the dream, I had what I can only describe as a sort of “LOST” moment. Recall in the final season when everyone was in the “alternate” reality and meeting up with one another as “strangers”. They didn’t know each other, but at the same time, they would look at one another and think “do I know you from somewhere?” Then they would either touch each other in some way or a certain turn of phrase would ignite a flood of memories of their past lives together to rush through their mind and they would be overcome with emotion of recalling their relationship with this person. Well, that’s exactly what happened to me in this dream… and to say I was overcome with emotion is a major understatement…
So, the dream…
I remember being there with friends and we’re apparently discussing what we next plan to do while we are there in Hawai’i. I then look out the window of whatever building in which we find ourselves and look out to see smoldering dormant volcanoes. They are not about to erupt or anything, but are just beautiful and majestic in the distance. Someone mentions that there is going to be some tour of the area. I comment about how amazing and cool they look and someone suggests that we go check them out. I then say ‘Sure, why not, let’s do that! We didn’t have it planned for today, but let’s do it, it will probably be fun. Heck, I didn’t even plan to come here (Hawai’i) and look how great it’s turned out!’
At that moment, I notice the presence of a beautiful woman in the room with me. She seems to be off to the side of the room, which seems to be a lobby or open restaurant area where there are numerous tables where we people may sit without needing to order, but just relax and admire the view. She has a friendly, almost knowing smile and comments about our plans. She says something in a sort of playful, joking manner about how my plans turn out well.
I share a friendly smile with her and the next thing I know I am sitting down at a table to relax, where I am on the booth side and there seems to be chairs on the other side of the table. My suave friend comes in the room and starts hitting on the beautiful girl that has now sat down beside me at the table. She politely smiles back in response to his flirting advances, but then I chime in that “you know, man, she’s actually sitting down next to me, so you can probably stop your efforts, since it seems she’s more interested in me. heh” I say that only mostly as a polite flirt, but realize only in my dreams would a girl like this be interested in me.
But, at that moment, I turn to her and realize she has comfortably cozied up to my side and she seems so familiar. I look at her and I just get lost in her the beauty and comfort of her eyes and smile. It is here that I have my first “LOST” moment… I ask her if I know her from somewhere as she seems so familiar. It is then that she gives me this knowing smile as though she has recognized me all along, but has just been waiting for me to recognize her. It is that knowing smile that then triggers the first flood of memories. They hit me and are just overwhelming. I’m overcome with emotion and our faces are now close to one another, her soft, knowing, patient smile and eyes gazing at me. After this first emotional memory burst, she’s holding me and I tell her “I remember you… I just don’t remember us…”. I then look up into her eyes and I remember someone saying “You’re better off without your stuff…” And then it happens…
I have my full-on “LOST” moment. All the memories of ‘us’ flood into my mind, as if my life is flashing before my eyes. I see us together, doing things together, out on dates, out on a boat and the feelings and emotions and romance and love and bond just all flow into me at once and I am overcome.
The best way I can describe how I felt is by referencing the “‘LOST’ moment” that occurred between Sawyer and Juliet in the TV show “LOST”. I don’t know about anyone else, but they were my favorite couple on “LOST”. I got SO emotionally invested in their romance and relationship. Seeing them together was wonderful. Seeing Sawyer finally fall in love and trust someone and see how happy they made one another… it just got me. I was so invested in their relationship on the show that I cried when Sawyer lost Juliet down the drilling shaft when they were trying to set off the nuclear weapon. When he’s holding onto her for dear life, crying, straining, promising her that he won’t let go of her, Juliet crying out to him that he loves him, Sawyer telling her the same but saying he’s not letting her go and then… she’s pulled down the shaft… Juliet screams and cries on the way down and Sawyer’s face fills with anguish, grief and terror as he loses his ‘one true love’. I just completely lost it and am not ashamed to say that tears were streaming down my eyes during that scene.
The same thing happened when Sawyer finds her at the bottom of the shaft and she’s still alive. He holds her in his arms and they make plans to get coffee, but she’s dying and her last words to him are “It worked”.
Well, in the “alternate” reality, Juliet is a doctor in a hospital to which Sawyer goes (for a reason I can’t remember at the moment). I believe he crossed paths with Juliet in the hall and they exchanged a curious glance as if they both felt they had possibly known each other before, but then just keep walking by as they are both busy. But, as Sawyer is trying to get his candy from the machine, something happens and it won’t come out. If I remember the scene correctly, Juliet suggests that Sawyer unplug the machine and plug it back in and it will work. I think Juliet helps him find where the plug is and he is able to complete that process. And, sure enough, it works as she suggested. As Juliet gets his candy for him, she says “it worked” and hands him the candy. As Sawyer goes to take it from her, their hands touch and immediately they are both hit with the “‘LOST’ moment”, where they see scenes of their past romantic life together. Juliet comes to the realization before Sawyer and tells him “we should get coffee sometime” to try to trigger his memory of when they said that in their past life. And then they touch hands and all the memories flood back for both of them. They are both overcome with emotion. Here is the scene for better reference:
Oh man, just watching that again, I’m teary-eyed again. Now more than ever, since that is exactly what happened with me in my dream. All the memories flood back to me and I open my eyes and realize this girl next to me is my ‘one true love’. We both have tears in our eyes and embrace lovingly and then I give her the most passionate kiss I have ever given.
After the kiss, still embracing her, still with tears in our eyes, still overcome with emotion, I struggle to try to understand why this is happening, why we were ever apart and I then whisper the words “why did I ever leave you?” And it’s then that…
My alarm goes off.
As I said, when I woke up in my bed, I was still overcome with all this emotion, my eyes were teary and I’m dealing with this feeling that I have found my ‘one true love’ after all this time apart and can now be with her. But, after a few moments of being awake, I realize that none of it is real and it was all just a dream.
But my gosh, what an intense feeling. What an intense and emotional dream. And I’m an emotional person as it is, but this just hit me with a million times more force than usual.
And it was probably because I really hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything regarding romantic feelings or emotions for years now. I had given up on women, given up on dating, given up on ever having a chance to find my ‘one true love’ and get married, given up on ever finding happiness ever in my life… and just shut down that part of me inside.
Well, apparently, it was easier to do that when I was so stressed out from unemployment and my financial situation and I guess now that I have some of that stress partly relieved after getting back to work at a new job, it allowed that part of me that I had buried and suppressed for so long to come rushing out into my subconscious.
Who knows. All I know is that I did NOT want to wake from that dream. *sigh* …
Also interesting, is that I actually woke up about 20 minutes prior to this. I have my alarm set for 4:45am and I woke up out of the blue about 4:25am. I checked the alarm clock, saw I had about 20 more minutes to sleep and laid back down and fell asleep. It was during this time that I had the entire dream. Pretty amazing how that works.
One last thing is that I remember lyrics to a song towards the end of the dream. Two songs it seems, as I heard the melody of another song later. First, I heard what seemed to be an older woman singing these lyrics:
The touch, the feel,
The fabric of our lives
And then I can’t remember the other full lyric line, but it went something like…
(something here ending in -and)
And then Lucas touched my hand
The first lyrics are obviously from the Cotton commercial song, Fabric of Our Lives, so I thought maybe I just heard that coming from my alarm clock radio when it went off to wake me up. I don’t know for certain, because I can’t remember what was on the radio when I awoke. But the second set of lyrics were not from the song, as far as I know. And the melody that I heard later was, I think, the melody to Come on Eileen, the first part of the song before the lyrics even start.
Just odd. Well, I looked up the lyrics to Fabric of Our Lives:
They said it was only a dream
And dreaming was only for fools
But let me tell you the secret
Dreams are alive just like me and you
Dreams can be real if you let them
Oh the feel, The fabric of our lives, (This is the fabric of our lives)
the touch the feel of cotton
The fabric of my life
Da doo do
I was a small town girl, with big dreams
Big things were always on my mind
I knew if I believed whatever I wished would come in time.
I never had a doubt, but people doubted my possibilities
But the only one that’s in control of my future is me
My dreams are real ‘cuz I let them
The touch the feel, the fabric of our lives
The touch the feel of cotton, the fabric of my life
I’m here because of a dream
I’m here ‘cuz I believe
And I never gave up, and it’s inside of all of us
And dreams can be real if you let them
The touch the feel, the fabric of our lives
The touch, the feel of cotton, the fabric of my life
The touch the feel, the fabric of my life.
The touch the feel of cotton, the fabric of my life
Okay, well, reading those lyrics (and apparently there are different versions, like this one by Leona Lewis, with lyrics HERE), and putting them into context with my dream, it seems to fit the theme: “never give up, dreams can be real if you let them”.
Now, I’d like to think that, I really would. If I could be sure that if I opened myself up again to the possibility of dating again and getting into a relationship again and finding my ‘one true love’… wow… just wow.
But I just don’t know if I can do that again. I’ve opened myself up to nothing but heartache in the past and I never want to go through that again.
I just wish I knew whether or not I’ll only be seeing my ‘one true love’ in dreams for the rest of my life or if I’ll ever meet her in real life.
I’ll end this with a recent song I heard in the previews for the movie “Country Strong”, as it summarizes the mood I seem to be in now: Give Into Me
I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me
I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me
(Hedlund & Meester)
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt
(Hedlund & Meester)
My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself
Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me
I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me
(Hedlund & Meester)
Give into me
Give into me
Yeah, I still can’t stop thinking about her. I haven’t been inspired to write anything for about a year and a half now. That all changed just from a chance meeting with her. Sure, it’s kinda corny and not my best work, but… the point is, I haven’t felt inspired like this in a long time. One look into her eyes changed all that…
Chances are you’re taken or married.
Chances are you hear what I’m about to say every day.
Chances are I was just another face you see.
Chances are you didn’t realize the effect you had on me.
Chances are you realize I’m stealing a theme from a Five for Fighting song.
Chances are the lead-in to what I really want to say to you is too long.
But chances are, I’ll never get this chance again.
So I wanted to make it memorable, okay where do I begin…
The moment I saw your beautiful smile, everything seemed to be a haze.
Seeing your captivating blue eyes, I couldn’t help but get lost in a momentary gaze.
Your beauty had me flustered, I had to work to keep focused.
Momentarily lost in your eyes, I hope you hadn’t noticed.
By now you’re probably wondering what in the world does all this mean,
Well, Michelle, I just wanted to tell you, you’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
I know coming from some strange guy like me, that might not mean much.
And telling you in this manner may not be the right touch.
But I wanted to hopefully give you another reason to smile,
even if just a small one, even if only for a little while.
I’ll end this by stealing from another song, I hope you don’t mind:
So while it’s just me and you, I thought I might say to you,
Michelle, You put the beautiful in life.
The inspiration: ACHE – James Carrington
I Miss You
Innocent and sweet
Soft and tender
Like a gentle embrace
Like a passionate entanglement
Moist and pouty
Tongue tracing them slowly
A passionate dance together
Inflaming my passions
Weakening my knees
Stealing my breath
I fall in love with you
The first time
The kiss of your lips
Firm yet gentle
Soft and warm
While we dance
While we drive
While we sit together
While we walk
On the back of my neck
as we kiss
Around my shoulders
as we embrace
Exciting my heart
Calming my soul
The first time
The touch of your hands
Soft and warm
The rhythmic beating of your heart
Pulling me close
As if to make us both one
It gives me strength
It makes me weak
Comfortable and safe
It feels like home
The first time
The warmth of your embrace
Kindness and compassion
Passion and love
Peaceful as a stream
The first time
The comfort of your heart
Making me a better man
~~~ Michael J Yore – 10-28-2008 ~~~
I saw her looking for something in the health foods & medicine section of the grocery store. I was walking by slowly, purposely scouting the area trying to remember if I had gotten everything in my cart that I had come to the grocery store to buy. Ahah! I remembered something that I needed in the health foods area. This took me to the aisle in which she was studying the shelves – for what, I don’t know. I politely excused myself as I had to walk in front of her, picked up my item, and then excused myself once more as I had to walk in front of her to get back to my cart.
I behaved as I usually do when I find myself in public in the general vicinity of a woman I find very attractive: I made sure not to make eye contact and try my best to catch a glimpse of her, without looking like I was trying to catch a glimpse of her… or at the very least, without allowing her to see me trying to catch a glimpse of her. During this whole few second moment of my shopping experience, I could almost see myself from an outsider’s perspective and I yelled at myself in my head to stop acting like an idiot and just move on to the register to pay.
Still, I turned my head as I walked to catch one last glimpse of her, this woman with her girl-next-door-look, long brown hair tied back in a pony tail, completely unassuming, but just something about her that made me look more than twice. And again, I tried my best to make sure I looked like I was straining to figure out if I had forgotten something from my mental list of items that I should have written down, while looking in her general area at the shelves, and then directly at her before turning my head to pay attention to where I was going.
Just something about her, I thought. I don’t know what, but really, it doesn’t matter, you idiot. She’d never be interested in you. Plus, what on earth would you even say to her. “Uuuuh, hi, I think you’re cute and there’s something about you that made me do a double-take. How are you today?” Yeah, I’m sure the store security would be on me within seconds after that smooth-talking introduction.
Anyway, so after all that has passed through my mind, I actually do remember a couple things that I forgot and then go back to pick them up. Then saunter my way to the check-out with the shortest line. I’m standing there just waiting my turn, noticing the ridiculous magazine covers for the ’beauty’ magazines and tabloids and making sure I don’t get too close to the person’s daughters who are being a bit rambunxious in front of me while waiting for the lady to finish scanning what their mother had bought. I move back a few inches to give them some room to roam around then do my usual waiting-in-line routine of scanning the people in line, scanning the people walking around the store, scanning the magazine racks and then rinse and repeat.
Then I feel that someone has taken their spot in line behind me. I turn around out of courtesy to make sure I am not too far back into them, as I was not aware of them until now and didn’t think I needed to worry too much about anything behind me, when I notice… it’s her. My gosh, miss girl-next-door with the long hair in the cute pony tail who reminds me of someone… or something… or some time in my life… is standing behind me. I do my best to keep cool and calm, since she obviously has no idea this is all going through my mind and it would no doubt freak her out if I all of a sudden start acting like some grade school dweeb who keeps turning around in class peeking over his shoulder and giving a goofy smile to the cute girl behind him. Oh wait, that’s right, I did that. And I remember that didn’t make a good impression then, I am positive it won’t make a good impression now. So I go back to my people, rack (magazines, not boobs), rinse and repeat routine.
During one of my magazine rack rotations, she comes into my view again. She picks up one of the magazines on the bottom shelf and then takes it back with her to her cart to read while waiting. I don’t catch which one it is, since as soon as she came into view, I did my best to look somewhere else for fear of all that was on my mind about her would somehow transfer to her subconscious, just from my gaze meeting hers. But I do note that there is an Easter edition of some magazine with a religious theme in the general area of where she grabbed the magazine. Hmmm, I wonder if she took that one. Says a lot, considering probably 99% of the other women I see in here are usually grabbing for the tabloids or the so-called beauty mags. This got my brain working even more overtime.
And then I had this really weird feeling come over me. For a short moment, couldn’t have been more than 1/2 a minute to a minute, I had this sense of confidence come over me. It was like a flashback to years ago when I was in great shape and had complete confidence in what I looked like, yet, unfortunately not complete confidence in whom I was as a person, at least with respect to the defintion society gave to a good, ’cool’ man. Yet it was a slight confidence nontheless. Something I had not felt around an attractive woman in a long time. Most of the time – which is to say, all the time – I would simply go through my she’s-way-out-of-your-league-she’d-never-be-interested-in-you-so-stop-thinking-about-it -youre-a-loser routine in my head:
* Even if she wasn’t she’d never be interested in you
* Even if she was, she’s probably a liberal or smokes
* Even is she isn’t, didn’t we already agree she wouldn’t be interested in you?!
* Snap out of it and get back to what you’re doing and leave this poor girl alone with any thoughts of even thinking you were good enough to talk to her, let alone look at her
But this time, that didn’t go through my mind. I felt different somehow. I felt like the confident man I am inside when I am not thinking about how out of shape I have gotten over the last year. I felt like the confident man I am when I believe my delusions that women are interested in character and morals and principles in a man. I felt like… ahh… then it hit me… she reminds me of Amy. Or, at least, how I imagine Amy to be. I had just gone, in my mind, back to a time in my life when I was talking to Amy online and on the phone years ago – yet never met or seen her picture. Somehow, my mind associated everything with that time period, including how I felt in public, since I was in the greatest shape of my life back then and never felt insecure in public – at least with regards to my looks. And all the feelings and emotions of that ’relationship/friendship’ came roaring back within me within moments. Until I forced them back down deep again. She’s not Amy, you idiot. So stop acting like you might be standing next to a girl for whom you held a huge, silly online crush. Just load your items on the conveyor and pay and leave so she can do the same.
So, I did. Doing my best to not look up at the cute girl who reminded me of Amy standing right behind my cart skimming her magazine. Sure, I could catch her out of the corner of my eye when I looked at my cart to grab the items. I do have peripheral vision afterall. But no direct looks. Who knows what my eyes and face would give away were I to look at her while thinking of Amy and having all those goofy feelings, emotions and memories welling up inside me. Best not to even put either of us in that situation. So back to finishing with the items, making polite small talk with the POS operator and bagger lady and then wishing them a good day.
I then walk away out the door hoping I gave nothing of my inner thoughts away with my behavior, and yet also hoping I didn’t come across as a cold jackass who looked like he was going out of his way to not pay attention to the miss cute girl-next-door with the long brown hair in the pony tail… who brought back thoughts of Amy…
And it didn’t hit me until I was done loading the groceries into my car and then returning the cart, that she was right behind me in line and I could have seen her walk out the store and caught one last glimpse of her. But, alas, as I scoured the parking lot for her long brown pony tail, she was no where in sight. Probably for the best anyway. In case she did notice my lousy efforts to catch glimpses of her in the store, she would definitely feel weird catching me trying to look at her in the parking lot. I’d rather walk away with her thinking nothing of me rather than her thinking of me as some lunatic stalker.
But on the way home, I was just lost in thought about all of this. Here was my past coming back to affect me with some woman I’ve never met nor ever seen before. I haven’t talked to Amy in years on the phone and not in over a year on e-mail or IM, yet here she is still affecting me in my every day life. Well, not her specifically, but the memory of her.
I also was thrown for a loop by how I felt, albeit momentarily, when standing in line in front of this woman. I know how certain smells and songs can take us back to times in our life. I know there are certain smells that remind me of little league baseball as a kid – which end up making me feel the nervousness I felt when riding to the games. I know there are certain smells that remind me of women I have dated. Certain perfumes or skin lotions send chills down my back sometimes and make me mushy in the stomach, because they take me back to certain relationships with past girlfriends. And, of course, certain songs take me back to many different times in my life and affect me in different ways.
But this was the first time that I was affected in this manner. I wasn’t taken back anywhere. There was no sweet smell to remind me of anyone. It was almost like my body and mind and subconscious were reacting in a way they felt I would react were I in Amy’s presence: calm, confident and innocently attracted to this woman. Yet, it obviously was not her. And it didn’t last. My she’d-never-be-interested-in-you mechanism kicked in after a delay. But, at least for a moment, it happened. I was a different person… or at least, I felt like a different person. A new man. A better man. A confident man. All because of the memory of someone I have never met and being in the presence of a woman I didn’t know.
Then I got to thinking about all that went on with Amy. I really had it bad for her. I know now that it is impossible to fall in love with someone one only knows online and on the phone… really it is only possible to fall in love with the idea you create of whom is the person you’re talking with. You can’t really know someone without actually spending time with them, because you never know if what they are telling you is the complete truth. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of women lie to me about themselves online. Which is why I now trust no one. But, back then, I had not been burned at all and my image of Amy and who she was inside was just wonderful. Her intelligence, her personality, her vulnerability, yet strength, independence and sharp wit and, most importantly, the way she would never back down to me on anything when we debated anything. She challenged me. And I challenged her. Yet at no time did I feel we were belittling each other or disrespecting one another. It was always a respectful debate of ideas and thoughts on topics. And then of course when I would have her beaten on a topic, she would flatter me with saying I was cute when I was upset and flustered. I’d go from completely aggravated to completely jello in her hands.
She seemed to be everything I had wanted in a woman. Well, save for not ever having met her or known what she looked like or spent any time with her, and only creating a vision of whom she was based on what she shared with me… yeah, other than that, she was “perfect”!
That’s what was probably roaming around in my subconscious while standing in line and seeing miss cute girl-next-door. Of course, upon further reflection of all of this, all the facts came back and the romanticizing of the situation went out the window. I started to remember little things that I so admired about Amy, yet made me feel so ashamed of mistakes that I had made in my past, that probably doomed any future I could ever have with a woman like Amy.
You see, she was a virgin and intended to stay that way until she was married. She also had standards like everyone else, but one of them was like a stake to my heart were I vampire: she wanted to marry a virgin. Since I was not a virgin, this meant that no matter how much we got along, how much she may say she ’loves’ me and reciprocates the feelings I have for her, there is nothing I can do to measure up to the man she wants to be with.
At that point, I would be forever ashamed of my past… and myself. And at that point I knew that no matter what my intentions and what my principles and what my morals I had started out with young in life, I had proven to be a weak person and had ruined my future.
And for that, I couldn’t forgive myself. And, after this afternoon’s experience at the grocery store, I realize that I still cannot forgive myself.
I grew up telling myself that I would not have sex until I was married. And I was not ashamed of that position at all. And I wanted to find someone who shared that view. But, not once, but five times I gave in to weakness. (Yes, I actually just went back and counted how many women I have been with in my life. Pretty depressing to remember how many times I have failed.) Each and every time, with each and every woman I resisted temptation. But only at first. When the true test came, after first saying no, I gave in to temptation. I proved myself weak. And no matter what I do now and what I say now or what I have done recently or what I do in the future, nothing will change the weakness of my past.
And that weakness still defines whom I am now. And no matter what I do or say, I cannot change that.
There is no born-again status when it comes to this weakness, especially when I am looking for a woman with certain standards for a man. It doesn’t matter that I have not only held my current standard, but also lived up to it for the past 5+ years, including within a 3 year relationship. If I met a woman tomorrow who wanted a man with morals and principles and who had proven his strength in those morals and principles his entire life, I wouldn’t be that man. 5 different times in the past I have proven my weakness and have proven that I am unfit for this woman. 5 different instances in my life where I just had to be strong so as to be the man she wants and deserves and does not have to ’settle’ for. 5 instances of my life that ruined the future that I wanted. 5 times I allowed myself to be weak, for instant momentary pleasure. 5 instances where my character was tested… and I failed. 5 experiences I can never take back…. and I can never forgive.
And this is why I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool. I can’t forgive myself. All my young life, I have wanted to be the man that my girlfriend and wife deserved. I wanted to be the man she wanted, she desired, of whom she was so proud that she would never speak ill about me… the man she did not have to settle for… in any way: intellectually, financially, emotionally, spiritually or physically.
And I blew that. I can’t claim to be the man she wants and deserves, when I have not been that man my entire life.
Sure, ’we all make mistakes’, some say. But my mistakes continue to haunt me.
I can’t forget them. Or forgive them.