AmeriCAN-DO Attitude

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I Don’t Want to be Me Anymore

You know, I am really getting annoyed with God.

Each day I hate that He made me the person and man that I am. Each day I have more and more examples of people and girls — especially girls — who seem to be repulsed by me.

Yet, if OTHER people do things that I do, or act the way I do, or say things I do or perform on the field as I do, people, and especially girls, give them plenty of attention. But me… nothing. Cold shoulder. I’m getting fed up with this.

I wish I could just flip a switch and turn off everything about myself that makes me… me. Turn off all my emotions, all my feelings, all my passion. I don’t want to feel ever again.

If I can’t feel, then I won’t care. If I don’t care, then I won’t feel all this pain inside every time I’m rejected or ignored or shunned for being… me.

I don’t want to be me anymore…

June 5, 2012 , 9:40PM Posted by | Life, Love, Morals, Relationships, Romance | Comments Off on I Don’t Want to be Me Anymore

It’s What You Do that Defines You

“I never stopped loving you.”
“I never stopped thinking about you.”

What is the purpose of these statements? What do they even mean? When a girl says them to a guy, are they supposed to mean something?

I’ve had things such as this said to me by girls who have lost touch with me over the years. At first, it sounds sweet and wonderful. “Wow”, you think, “she’s been loving me/thinking about me all these years.” But, really, what does that even matter?

Even if it were true, is that supposed to somehow make me feel good to know that a girl was loving me/thinking about me over the years, yet did absolutely nothing to make it known to me?

What is the point of loving someone if you don’t actually, you know, do something to show you love them? In other words, what is the point of loving someone if the object of your love does not even know or feel this love?

As stated in Batman Begins, “It’s not what’s inside that matters, it’s what you do that defines you.”

**********

This is actually an example of a broader point that hit me today regarding something completely different, but touches on the same theme: where people don’t pass on compliments or expressions of love or just positive statements to those whom they like, love or whose work/efforts/skill/character/actions/personality they appreciate.

I’ve been doing something for a while that I thought was something positive, to bring a little laugh and morale boost to some people. I was really proud of the last time I did it, putting a lot of effort into it and thought it would make a positive impression. Turns out the only feedback I received was negative. Sure, most were in jest. But I didn’t receive ANY positive comments. Nothing. Just the negative ones in jest. So, I decided then that people must really not care one whit about what I did, so I said ‘f#ck it, not gonna bother anymore’.

Then today I have someone tell me they were talking with others in the group I do this for and that they really liked it and hoped I continued doing it. The one person said that it was “the highlight of their week”. Well, for crying out loud, then, why the HELL don’t they tell ME this?! Instead of just talking among themselves. *I* didn’t have a damn clue whether anyone liked it, because they never told ME that they liked it. So how the hell was I supposed to know.

**********

Girl #1: “Said out of guilt.. I’m a chick .. I know”

Yeah, I knew that already, but figured I’d send the question out into the void anyway. It’s a self-serving statement meant to try to make up for whatever the one making the statement feels guilty about.

Girl #1: Yep!! Women and men are devious and sad.. The trick is to find someone who is not into the BS.. Real people are hard to find.. I have to say.. When I was very young .. I probably did the same thing.. I was a coward.. Didn’t want to hurt anyone.. honesty is always best.

**********

Girl #2: Sometimes it is said out of regret, or maybe even lonliness. The part that hit me today, though was: “What is the point of loving someone if you don’t actually, you know, do something to show you love them? In other words, what is the point of loving someone if the object of your love does not even know or feel this love?”

You are absolutely correct, Michael. While there are reasons that one may have for not, or never, sharing those feelings… what IS the point of telling someone you USED to think about / love them? Let them know at the time, or let it go.

EXACTLY. Especially since for some of us, it doesn’t matter anymore hearing those things. Over the years, I just assumed that I was such a worthless piece of crap that these girls could just so easily lose touch with me and never keep in touch. That’s what the years of girls just up and losing touch, and seemingly not being affected in the least, taught me…  that I meant nothing to them that they could get over me so easily, forget me so easily. So when one comes back to make those statements, it means absolutely nothing to me. I needed those statements during that time, at the time they felt them. By now, it doesn’t matter anymore. Their lack of action has helped to create the cynical, completely insecure, self-critical person I am now.

**********

Girl #1: Women also.. Want you to still want them.. So they say these things..

Yeah, like I said, it’s a completely self-serving statement. One to assuage their own guilt and Two to get an ego-boost. I tell you, the older I get and the more I interact with them, the more I resent women.

Girl #1: Please don’t turn gay!! Hahaha!!

Hahah, no, THAT will NEVER happen. I’m attracted to women WAY too much. In fact, I’ve got a desperate crush on a girl on one of my softball teams. Really depresses me that I’m so insecure that I haven’t been able to even muster up the courage to talk to her on a non-softball game level over the past year. I’m sure she’s got a boyfriend or is married and, even if she’s single, she’s 11 years younger and way out of my league, but… still. Back when I was in shape and not this cynical, I would have at least made the foolish effort to take a chance and ask her out. But no, no worries, not going to hit for the other team! hahah

May 9, 2012 , 9:34PM Posted by | Inspiration, Life, Love, Relationships, Romance | Comments Off on It’s What You Do that Defines You

Relationship Needs Assessment

Hmmm, so, on a whim, I decided to check out this site called Plenty of Fish. A friend had told me about it a while back and I’ve seen commercials about it from time to time as well. Well, I talked to that friend tonight for the first time in a while and it reminded me of that site, so… decided to check it out.

It’s nothing too spectacular or different from any other “online dating” site. But it does have its unique qualities to it. For example, you can request to not be matched up with people who provided certain answers on their profile, or with people who have searched for “hook-ups”, etc. So that’s kind of interesting. Matching filter in a way.

Then there are these “tests” that you can take where you answer a bunch of questions and receive an “assessment” of your personality or, in this case, a “relationship needs” assessment. I always find it interesting how a website can do a complete assessment of something so personal as one’s personality and desires in a relationship solely from a bunch of random personality questions. Here is the general description of their assessment technique:

Congratulations Chgofan3 on completing Plenty of Fish’s unique “Relationship Needs Assessment.” This assessment determines what you need in a relationship across nine key factors:

Interdependence
Self-Efficacy
Communication
Sexuality
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Intimacy
Relationship Readiness
Conflict Resolution
Attitudes About Love

Your report gives you valuable feedback on each of these factors in several special ways. Based on your unique answer patterns, you first receive a synopsis of what you need in a relationship on each factor. To help you address these issues in actual practice, your report also contains a customized set of questions for you to consider asking or exploring with potential dating partners to determine the degree to which a person may meet those unique needs. In other words, you have guidance for understanding and exploring what it takes for someone to be “relationship material” with you.

Finally, the assessment reveals any specific issues that you seemed especially to under-value or over-value. These are likes and dislikes that are often hidden from your awareness, but they can strongly affect your relationship decisions. Enjoy your report, contemplate the information and insights it provides and good luck in applying the results here at the Plenty of Fish community!

Here is what I received in response to my answers:

Interdependence

Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner.

You are moderately interdependent in a relationship. This means that you desire a good degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner. And you absolutely are drawn to someone whom you can respect and even emulate to some degree. In fact, it is quite common for a person in this score range to consider how your romantic partner would reflect on your family and friends. This all does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw strength, comfort and a strong sense of identity from their close relationships. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and you desire showing off your “couplehood” in public. Bottom line: you need someone who likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “interdependency” needs with potential partners:

“Do you think couples can ever get to the point when they spend too much time together? – and if so, how do you know when that point is?”
“How much time away from a lover do you think you need in a given week? – and what kinds of things do you like to do for yourself during your free time?”
“What really makes a date or any time with a partner truly special for you?”

Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner.

You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return. That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find yourself wondering whether your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “intimacy” needs with potential partners:

“Have you tended to avoid arguments with past partners or is it more like you to talk about all types of the feelings and concerns you have?”
“Do you think couples should always be open and honest with each other, or are there things that it is okay to hold back?”
“Can you talk and share on an intimate level as well as you listen to a friend in need?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Over-value

It would bother me if I got attached to people very easily. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are not truly committed to your partner, that you are selfish and self centered, that you are superficial in your relationships or that you have unrealistic expectations. On the positive side, it could mean that you have a healthy degree of individuality and independence or that you have a good understanding of your fears.

Self-efficacy

Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation.

You have good levels of self-esteem, sense of self and a sense of accomplishment. It seems you are acutely aware – but accepting – of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, you likely feel that people who are important in your life understand you. But people in your scoring range tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. You probably have a strong sense of control over your life and are decisive in managing it. You are also probably very influential and persuasive with others. In fact, your family, friends and acquaintances may often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “self-efficacy” needs with potential partners:

“Do your positive qualities outweigh your faults? Why or why not?”
“Do you ever feel guilty when you do not meet the expectations of your family or friends? Explain”
“Are you the type of person who likes to stand out in a crowd or go totally unnoticed?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Over-value

I find it pointless to continue working on things that are too difficult for me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are easily frustrated, that you are overly self critical and impatient or that you have little motivation to learn new things or tackle new challenges. On the positive side, it could mean that you are realistic about your limitations, you value time and do not want to waste it or that you seek out alternative solutions to problems.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.

You seem to have a good foundation and appear pretty much ready and willing to find a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They have the ability to connect with others, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you do not seem to be seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Rather, it seems to be that you are striving for a balance in your life and that now includes wanting to offer everything you can to a partner. Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “relationship readiness” needs with potential partners:

“Tell me in what ways you are a happy and successful single”
“Are you truly happy with the way you have lived your life? Explain”
Are there any ways in which you feel your life is not balanced?”

Communication

Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence.

Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to fit this description. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You are usually extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient, open and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are constantly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, and you can take the initiative and be assertive when needed. However, a defining characteristic of people in this range is that they do not rush to judgment. Rather, they pay attention, listen without jumping to conclusions and then reflect on information before responding. In a sentence, you seek both to understand others and for others to understand you. Bottom line: you need someone who is eager to give, collect and discuss information with you patiently versus communicate with you on superficial levels out of convenience.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “communication” needs with potential partners:

“Does the success of a committed relationship take priority over any other aspect of your life?”
“Do those closest to you think that you are an easy person to get to know? Explain”
“If you are sure you are right about something, do you waste time listening to other people’s arguments or viewpoints?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Under-value

I am able to confront someone who has hurt my feelings. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you avoid conflict, that you have difficulty articulating your feelings or that you are around others with whom you do not feel safe and secure. On the positive side, it could mean that you are aware of how your behavior impacts others, that you have a good understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, that you like to give others the benefit of the doubt and try to focus on positives rather than negatives or that you can forgive easily.

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills.

Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are generally strong across all of these basic elements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome that is best for the relationship. In fact, a defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is the capacity to relinquish their control and pride for the greater good and growth of the relationship. Bottom line: you need a partner who is patient, a “big picture thinker” and can relinquish control and pride to make the best decisions for the good and growth of the relationship.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “conflict resolution” needs with potential partners:

“In your past relationships, have you felt responsible for your partner’s well being? Explain”
“Is it the case that you can not be happy unless you place your partner’s happiness before your own?”
“What sort of things or situations would you not endure for the sake of your partner or relationship?”

Sexuality

Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy.

Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are no prude. You are confident in your own sexual ability and are open to try various activities. In fact, you probably like to experiment actively. A defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is their willingness to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish – you like to focus on pleasing your partner and submitting to his/her desires. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center of attention in the bedroom.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “sexual” needs with potential partners:

“Would you eagerly talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies?”
“Is it like you to direct your partner what to do in bed so s/he knows best how to please you?”
“In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’?”

Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.

Issues you seem to Over-value

I wait until I am in love with a person before having sex with him/her. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are neither spontaneous nor passionate or that you are ambivalent. On the positive side, it could mean that you prefer a deep and meaningful attachment to a partner, that you have good self esteem, that you are neither selfish nor hedonistic or that you are not impulsive in thought, feeling and deed.

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.

There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic with a touch of realist.” This means that you do value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. In this sense, you desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –- sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. It is common for people in this range to view their partner as a soul mate –- a person who you were destined to meet and fall in love with. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize your partner constantly. Seeing a partner and relationship while only wearing rose-colored glasses can prevent you from identifying and addressing problem areas in the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in you but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “love attitude” needs with potential partners:

“In choosing a partner, do you believe it is best to love someone with a similar background? Explain”
“If you truly love another person, is that enough to marry or otherwise have a committed relationship with that person?”
“How do you feel about the notion that ‘common interests are really unimportant; as long two people are truly in love, they will adjust’?”

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion.

There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Gifts. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through tangible surprises – such as fun gifts s/he makes, souvenirs purchased on business trips or beautiful tokens or presents that show s/he remembers and celebrates special occasions.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“Is it more like you to surprise a partner with single, extravagant gifts or shower the person with little gifts or surprises here and there?”
“Is it difficult for you to come up with personalized gift ideas for loved ones?”
“Do you think giving gifts is really just an attempt to buy someone’s affection?”

Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Actions received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not necessarily mean that you neither like nor need Actions. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who feels that simple or grand acts of kindness are no substitutes for other expressions of affection – such as telling you how they feel, treating you like a partner, touching you lovingly, spending time with you or remembering special occasions with a thoughtful gift.

Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:

“In what ways – if any – do you like for a partner to depend on you?”
“Have you offered to throw a party for someone? – if so, why did you take on that responsibility?”
“What are some things you have done for other people that they would say were the most thoughtful?”

May 5, 2012 , 9:17PM Posted by | Life, Love, Relationships, Romance, Sex | Comments Off on Relationship Needs Assessment

Just as We Predicted

Well whaddaya know. Just as social conservatives stated would happen if the LGBT community pushed to redefine marriage, so it is coming to pass. They are now pushing for polygamy: ‘Sister Wives’ family to challenge Utah bigamy law — Lawyer says state shouldn’t prosecute people for private relations

A polygamous family made famous by the reality TV show “Sister Wives” plans to challenge the Utah bigamy law that makes their lifestyle illegal, a Washington-based attorney said Tuesday.

Any why not, considering every argument the LGBT community has made in favor of redefining marriage to include same-sex couplings can be made in favor of redefining marriage to include multiple partners.

The LGBT community also stated all along that this was just some radical ‘slippery slope’ scare tactic by social conservatives. Uh huh. Can we say ‘we told you so’ now?

July 17, 2011 , 11:12AM Posted by | GLBT Movement, Homosexual Movement, Liberalism, Marriage | Comments Off on Just as We Predicted

What I Miss…

It’s funny how our subconscious works. Well, at least how mine works, anyway.

I’ve been spending the last few weeks feeling angry. Angry about my past romantic — or almost-romantic — relationships with women. I’ve been consciously convincing myself that I hate women, that I’m now a misogynist and that there is nothing worth it about having a romantic relationship with a woman. This, of course, being a complete 180 degree turn from how I felt about romantic relationships my entire life until this point.

But, I thought that this was what I needed to do in order to relieve the pain inside. When I was unemployed the past 2 years and basically living like a hermit — pretty much only coming out of the house to go to walleyball, softball and to do grocery shopping — I didn’t have to deal with people talking about their relationships on a daily basis. I didn’t have to see or hear about what I was missing. So while I was alone and feelings of loneliness would creep in from time to time, I could easily sweep them aside and ignore them. But, now that I am back to work, I get to see and hear about other people’s social lives and family lives on a daily basis. It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have and what I know I will never have again.

And, of course, this works to bubble up all the emotions and feelings that I had thought that I kept shoved down deep inside me, hoping to ignore and forget.

So, to counteract this, since ignoring and forgetting was not working, I felt the best way to deal with the pain was to fight back against it with anger. And this was working for a while. Until it apparently reached it’s apex of effectiveness last week during an online conversation I had with a few female Facebook ‘friends’. After a fairly heated discussion of the role of modern women in destroying relationships nowadays, I went to sleep annoyed and upset. One would think that this would lead to either no dreams or dreams regarding my frame of mind. But no…

Instead, for the past week, I’ve been having dreams about past girlfriends, about romantic scenarios with some anonymous love interest (similar to the dreams I have written about in the past HERE and HERE) and last night I had one about a girl — whom I only knew online and on the phone — who lied to me and utterly destroyed any trust I might have had left in women. In addition, I’ve been having random thoughts and memories of good things from my past relationships with women. I remembered the time when my very first girlfriend told me she loved me. I remembered the time when she and I first held hands. I remembered how the online liar girl had a thing about needing her truck windshield clean when she drives and how I planned to keep it clean for her if we ever met and hung out. And then last night I had some dream about online liar girl coming to see me and taking me to where she lived in order to explain to me why she had been lying to me all the time, because she was embarrassed about her life and her home.

It’s as if I am at war with my own sub-conscious. Here I am trying my damndest to keep my emotions in check, push them down deep so they won’t make my life more difficult and they end up fighting back with me, rushing up to the surface like an erupting volcano to further complicate things.

Today TBS had on the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (with Michael Cera and Kat Dennings, whose character is pretty hot in the movie). It’s a decent movie, but the interaction and chemistry between Michael Cera and Kat Dennings was what got me. They have an innocent, developing romance. The shy, innocent looks from Kat Dennings character are just so adorable and attractive and reminded me of those times in the beginning of relationships I had with a few girls in college. Something as simple as a short, sweet kiss — especially the first one between you and the girl — was treated as special.

And it inevitably got me thinking back again to everything I miss from a romantic relationship with a girl. (Well, at least the ideal one that I no longer believe today’s girls and women are capable of or even desire anymore…)

A small theme in the movie was about staying in a relationship that wasn’t really all that great, simply because it sometimes offered comfort and a feeling of being special to that one person.

Nick: What are the benefits?
Norah: Yeah, that’s crossed my mind. I don’t know. I don’t know, he’s just always been there, and you just feel ignored for long enough and, it’s just nice to feel special sometimes.

And the theme of holding hands was a part of this comfort.

Thom: You just haven’t figured it out yet, have you.
Nick: What?
Thom: …The big picture!
Nick: I guess not.
Thom: The Beatles.
Nick: What about them?
Thom: This.
[grabs Nick’s hand]
Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” The first single. It’s effing brilliant, right?… That’s what everybody wants, Nicky. They don’t want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don’t want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

That got me remembering the first time I held my college girlfriend’s hand. It was on our first date. We were walking around Indiana University as she was showing me the campus as it was my first time there. We decided to walk through the Memorial Union building and came upon some famous fireplace. We decided to sit down for a bit, since we had been walking for quite a while. I sat down first and she sat next to me on my left. We both just stared off into the fire in the fireplace. Of course, I was in heaven, because she was sitting right next to me and then eventually leaned into me and layed her head on my shoulder. Prior to her doing that, all I was waiting for was her signal for when she wanted to get walking again. But after… I could have sat there all night with her. I think we both were starting to feel our closeness developing at this point. But, we didn’t hold hands there on the bench, even though I was working up the nerve to take her hand the entire time we sat there. After a few minutes, she eventually said ‘okay, let’s go see (something)’ and we got up to go. Well, after having developed that closeness now, having sat close on the bench for a few minutes, we had that shy, innocent tension going as we walked close to one another. As our arms swung by — her right arm swinging back, my left arm swinging forward — our fingers touched. We did this for another swing or two, I think, until finally on the third swing-by, I took her hand in mine… and we held hands for the rest of the night.

*sigh* I can still remember that like it was yesterday. A period of time in my life that happened 15 years ago and lasted probably a whole 10 minutes, but the memory of the feelings and the emotions of the moment are still as strong as ever.

This past week, I’ve also had the memory of when she first told me she loved me pop into my head. I don’t even know what triggered it, whether it was a song or TV show or something I read. I just know that I was overcome with emotion remembering her cute, adorable, shy way of telling me she loved me for the first time.

First of all, a few weeks prior (we’ve been together for about a year at this point), I was so overcome with emotion one night when we were cuddling together (okay, and pretty heavily ‘making out’) that I had the desire to tell her I loved her. BUT, I knew from the beginning of our relationship how she was not the mushy, lovey-dovey type of girl and was averse to that kind of thing. So, in that moment, I was completely being torn in different directions. I wanted to tell her that I loved her… without actually telling her. I wanted her to know that I loved her… without actually saying the words that might scare her off. So we’re in my dorm room, the lights are dim, it’s late at night, we’ve just finished ‘making out’ and we’re just lying together listening to music. I look at her and tell her that I want her to know how much she means to me and how much I care for her. I’m trying to get up the nerve to say the actual words “I love you, Jen”, but I’m also deathly afraid that if I say that to her, it will have the opposite effect of what I intend and will scare her off. I’m practically trembling from the overwhelming counteracting emotions (love and fear) I’m feeling. After gazing at her lovingly, I give her the most intense hug I can manage to give her. Apparently, I felt that maybe my “I love you” would flow through her through osmosis or something. But, just like I learned that didn’t work with my engineering studies, it didn’t work here either. Next, I clasped her cheek lovingly with my hand and brought her in close and kissed her the most passionately I could. Apparently, I felt that even though osmosis didn’t work through the body, maybe there was some way to get it to work through the lips. But still, no dice. Finally, she calmed me down and gave me a knowing look of comfort, as if to say ‘don’t worry, I know, and it’s okay’. I never did tell her ‘I love you’ that night, but I think she knew.

So back to a few weeks later. We’re at her father’s house back in her hometown, on vacation for Spring Break, I believe. We’re in the kitchen and sitting at the kitchen table and she has a can of pop she’s drinking. All of a sudden, she gives me a look. She then tells me to look at her can of pop. She’s tried to write “I Love You” in the can ‘sweat’, but it’s tough to make out, and I’m not sure if that’s what she’s doing, so I just play dumb and smile and kinda give her a look of confusion. She tries to do it again, but then her father walks in and spoils the moment. So we move into the living room. This time, she makes sure I know what she wants to say. She doesn’t say a word, because she doesn’t want her father to hear, but tells me to turn around with my back facing to her. She then slowly ‘writes’ I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U in large letters on my back, one at a time. With each one, she’s sending tingles down my spine, first from just her touch and then from knowing she is telling me she loves me for the first time.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more on such an emotional high.

And this is what my subconscious has been doing to me. In a time when I am working to bury all this deep down and forget it, it comes rushing up to the forefront. I just don’t get it.

But it’s these little things that I miss. It’s not the sex or the fancy dates. It’s the little things… the moments… the conversations… the embraces… the innocent kisses… and all the feelings and emotions that went into these small moments in the relationships. I Remember these things. These Cherished moments.

The problem is that, from what I can tell, most girls and women these days don’t appreciate or desire these sorts of things anymore. People are hung up on sex and money and superficialities. There no longer seems to be a desire among women for a meaningful relationship built on friendship, trust, intellectual chemistry, emotional chemistry, spiritual chemistry*, physical chemistry, romance and love.

So, taking that into account, I’ve determined that I’ll never find a woman with whom I’m compatible and who appreciates in a relationship what I appreciate. And, thus, I’ve determined that I need to forget about ever again having these things that I miss and just bury all those desires.

The problem is, as I have found out, I’m always going to be at war with my sub-conscious. If I try to fight it, it fights back. But if I just try to ignore it, I still have to deal with the memories and emotions surfacing from time to time to cause havok on me.

Assuming I am going to live many years yet, I *have* to find a way to deal with this, otherwise the emotional chaos is going to drive me crazy.

* Speaking of spiritual chemistry, one of the cutest parts of the movie was towards the end when Kat Dennings character shares a part of Judaism that she likes:

Norah: It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I like. It’s called Tikkun Olam. It says that the world is broken into pieces and it’s everyone’s job to find them and put them back together again.
Nick: Well, maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe we’re not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.
Norah: Nick? I’m coming in…

Watching Kat Dennings’ Norah character in this scene is just… it’s a sweet and tender moment. First, you can tell that Norah is going out on a limb sharing something deeply special to her regarding her faith. That right there is a part of a relationship that I cherish the most… when a girl/woman trusts you enough, feels that comfort with you that she feels she can share something truly meaningful and special to her that she wouldn’t share with just anything else. That, to me, is more meaningful than a woman sharing anything physically intimate with me. Second, after Nick responds to her, you can tell that it means so much to her that he understands her and understands something that is so deeply important to her. It moves her so much that she wants to kiss him for the first time to let him know how much it means to her.

Another moment in a relationship that I miss…

April 3, 2011 , 2:58AM Posted by | Life, Love, Poetry, Relationships, Romance | Comments Off on What I Miss…